From the moment their children are born, parents pour all their time, love, effort and resources into nurturing and raising their bundles of joy.
They strive to give them the best life possible.
As the years progress, the tiny human being they once held in their arms becomes an adult who can think for themselves and knows what they want.
The parent-child relationship changes and the pieces that have always fitted so perfectly to form the relationship in previous years seemingly fall apart.
According to Pretoria clinical psychologist Thabiso Dinale, experiencing changes and having different developmental needs can play a part in the damage that occurs to the relationship.
“As people, we change and we evolve. We have to negotiate how to redefine the relationship as new changes come up. One of the reasons why relationships face challenges is that the mother and the child have different developmental needs at different times. When children get a little older, they want to make their own decisions and establish their own identity,” she says.
“Often, who the child wants to be as an adult is very different from what the parent had envisioned for them. So the child needs different things from the mother at different stages. This can be a point of conflict if there is no clear understanding and communication between the two parties.”
Though the manner in which men and women are raised in our society is not the same, certain developmental needs remain universal.
As such, Dinale believes the relationship between father and child can be prone to a similar challenge.
“Men can also go through the same thing. Young boys often idolise their fathers, looking to them as the biggest, strongest caregiver. They want to grow up and be like them.
“As they get older, they realise that their father is human and flawed. They then try to assert their own identity. When that idea does not complement that of his father, it can be an area for challenge.”
While it may often seem like some relationships between parent and child are beyond redemption and that perhaps they are better off apart, Dinale advises that where there is a will, there is always a way.
To mend and maintain the relationship between a parent and their adult child, communication, understanding and mutual respect do the trick.
“Both parties must have a willingness to amend some of the issues in the relationship. Most importantly, both of them need to realise what needs to be amended in the relationship. Communication goes a long way. I’ve never seen any conflict resolved without two parties being willing to sit and have a respectful conversation with each other.”
In addition, the implementation of healthy boundaries from both parties is important in order for the relationship between a parent and their adult child to work.
Communicating those boundaries in a healthy manner is even more important.
“Communicate your boundaries from a point where they are going to be able to understand you. Be willing to respect the other person too. You don’t need to agree with somebody’s boundaries to respect them. You can disagree and still be a loving parent or child,” Dinale says.
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