Letting go of toxic relationships

Relationships are an important part of the human experience. More often than not, life is better when shared. However, relationships can get toxic sometimes and this may affect the emotional, mental and physical well-being of those involved.

Depending on the nature of the relationship, some signs of toxicity may be less obvious than others. In some cases, toxic relationships can be fixed if the parties involved are intentional about doing so. But in some instances, the relationship may very well have to come to an end.

 The effect of toxic relationships

While some toxic relationships may start off as whirlwinds of excitement and passion, their impact on one’s physical and mental health can become negative and severe over time.

According to life coach Fezy Thwala, being in a toxic relationship can also affect one’s overall outlook on life, how they view their goals as well as their journey to becoming the best version of themselves. 

“If you’re in a relationship with someone who belittles you and always tells you that you don’t think, it may impact your subconscious mind and you will start to believe it. You will start to doubt yourself, your own thoughts and your own abilities.

“You can have brilliant ideas but because you have this voice that keeps on telling you that you don’t think, you won’t have the confidence to pursue those great ideas,” she says.

An important aspect to consider is that nobody is perfect and everybody has their flaws. Relationships often come with accepting the other person just as they are. However, Thwala strongly believes in drawing the fine line between accepting the imperfections of others and protecting your peace. To do this, one needs clarity regarding what they’re not willing to compromise on. That’s what will determine whether you leave the relationship or stay and work on repairing it.

Leaving a toxic relationship

Letting go is seldom easy. Some people may find it very hard to leave a toxic relationship, especially if it has existed for a long time. As such, a strong support system is necessary and helpful.

“When a person is in a toxic relationship, they usually have lost their sense of worth and identity. They are also likely to be consumed with fear, shame and guilt," says relationship coach Siyathokoza Nsizwane.

“So, they need a support system that will help them through that transition so as to not fall back into the same toxic relationship again.” 

Toxic family relationships

Dealing with toxic family members may be slightly more challenging as these are people you have known all your life. In the case of an elder, you always want to remain respectful. Nsizwane suggests the implementation of healthy boundaries when family relationships become toxic.

“Have an open honest conversation with that family member and inform them about how a certain behaviour of theirs makes you feel. Do so without attacking them.

Inform them that you would like to establish healthy boundaries out of respect for the relationship and in order to obtain peace. It’s all about how you say things, it must never be in a way that undermines another person,” she says.

Signs you might be in a toxic relationship

All relationships are worth fighting for, until they’re not. Sometimes the only thing left to do is move on with grace and love. ​Relationship coach Lindelwa Notshweleka shares warning flags of a toxic relationship.

• No room for self-love

When there is no effort to love you, spend time with you, listen to you, share the things that are important to you, the relationship stops giving and starts taking too much.

• When "no" is a dirty word

Communicating what you want and don’t want is important for you and the relationship.

• Let me show you how wrong you are

Healthy relationships nurture your strengths. Toxic ones focus on your weaknesses

• Playing victim

Nobody can hold a relationship together when they are the only one doing the work.

• Walking on eggshells

Everyone makes mistakes, but yours are used as proof that you’re too wrong; even if you change to become what she/he wants, there will be another list of nasty blame.

• Passive aggressive behaviour

If it’s worth getting upset about, it’s worth talking about, but passive-aggressive behaviour shuts down any possibility of this.

• Nothing gets resolved

There is no trust that the other person will have the capacity to deal with the issue in a way that is safe and preserves the relationship. When this happens, needs get buried, and in a relationship, unmet needs will always feed resentment.

• Privacy? What privacy?

You’re an adult and don’t need constant supervision, besides you don’t get into a relationship to be monitored  like you are in prison.

•  Empty promises

It’s not your fault that the trust was broken, but it’s up to you to make sure that you’re not broken next.

• You are not a priority

A loving partner in the context of a healthy relationship will value your thoughts and opinions, not pretend that they don’t exist.