LISTEN | How to avoid being a romance scam victim

I have never felt like this before. I feel like you are my soulmate. I love you so much.

These are some of the emotional intensity ploys that romance scammers use to lure unsuspecting individuals online, according to Juliane Hoss, a therapist, systemic counsellor, and coach based in Johannesburg.

They always make you feel unique and special in a way that can make one think they are really important in the person’s life, and that is where it begins, Hoss said.

“What happens next is the oversharing of their own information, which is often mistaken for this person being vulnerable with me and opening up, and valuing the relationship. But what they are doing is booking you in, not in a healthy relationship.”

Hoss said the scammers would also appeal to your sense of care.

“They give you compliments that are caring and show interest. But later on, they will use that against me and say, ‘But I thought you cared.’ They will also idealise you and say everything about you is great, and never show concern. This feeling they create at the beginning of the interaction.”

According to Hoss, when it comes to the actual scamming, there is always a crisis that the scammer needs help with.

“It’s always urgent and appears emotional too, and rigid, meaning if you give alternative solutions, they are likely to say no, and the feedback could be, ‘I thought you would help me.’”

That is what happened to a Free State woman, 51-year-old Lesego*, who is now over R300,000 in debt after taking loans and also convincing her sister and colleague to take out loans so she could help her boyfriend finance his business ventures.

Sowetan recently reported how Lesego met 32-year-old Ugandan man Junior Bashiru, who started having crises soon after they met, from a crash that resulted in him needing money to repair his car to securing a contract that would need capital.

According to Lesego, she gave him Bashiru all the money he asked for and later he disappeared. She is now in debt and battling depression.

For another relationship expert, Michael Kallenbach, there is no formula to spot a romance scammer easily.

“It’s only by luck and trusting your instinct,” he said.

Unfortunately for 44-year-old Emily* from Sandton, Gauteng, luck deserted her, and she ended up being defrauded of R223,850 by a 46-year-old from Uitenhage in the Eastern Cape whom she met on Boardroom, a dating app.

She said they started dating in May 2024, and three months later she gave him R3,850 after he requested it, claiming his mother needed urgent hospital treatment.

I am distraught that someone spent all these months being deceitful by pretending to love me and attempting to destroy me financially by turning me into his ‘human bank’

—  Emily*

Three months later, she gave him R200,000 after he allegedly convinced her to invest in a taxi business that would be registered in her name.

He reportedly provided what she later learnt was a fraudulent ownership document and promised the investment would generate income.

Days later, she paid a further R20,000 after he claimed one of his taxis required a replacement engine.

She ended the relationship two months later when the man asked for more money and she realised the paperwork he gave her for the taxi business was fake. She has since opened a case.

“I am distraught that someone spent all these months being deceitful by pretending to love me and attempting to destroy me financially by turning me into his ‘human bank’,” Emily said.

According to Hoss, some of the information the scammer shares is unverifiable in some instances or appears to be inconsistent.

“In some instances, they [scammers] become cagey about sharing personal information like where they work or using a false identity.”

Meanwhile, the Free State police are looking for Bashiru and said Lesego is not the only woman he allegedly scammed.

Sgt Palesa Thabana said Bashiru allegedly defrauded Lesego and another woman of nearly R900,000. Anyone with information that could help trace Bashiru is urged to contact Const Neo Mothekhe on 064-039-6968 or contact the Crime Stop Number on 08600-10111, or alternatively, an anonymous tip-off may be sent through the MySAPS App.

*Not their real names

Sowetan