Long-term intimate partner violence is a subject that often brings shame to victims of gender-based violence.
This according to Rosie Motene, a gender-based violence activist and counsellor at Letsatsi Healing Space.
She says stigma often makes it hard for victims to get out of the abusive relationship or report it to the police.
“Abuse is all about power; power over the mind and body. When we look at emotional abuse, this is usually one of the first signs in intimate partner relationships... when someone you love is degrading you about your body or your mind and stopping you from working or alienating you from friends and family. After a while, this seeps in and you end up not valuing yourself. You don't see yourself as powerful or that you can achieve anything,” she said.
Motene says there is also financial abuse where you may be stopped from working so as to not be independent, and have no access to bank accounts.
The emotional and financial abuse can then open up a space for physical violence, including rape and sexual assault.
“This can lead to this long-term abuse that ends up in the bedroom. If you have a low self-esteem, don't have power or access to finances and if there are children involved, how do you say no to this person in the bedroom? Because this perpetrator has been accustomed and knows they can get away with abusing you on so many levels; then raping you becomes part of the programme,” she said.
Motene says the culture of victim blaming in our society also contributes to the false narrative that a husband or boyfriend cannot rape their partner.
“When we look at our African cultures and our families... the person will go to their in-laws or parents and they are sent back to fix it... there is victim blaming and they know they can't get out. Then there is the stigma that once you are in a marriage you can't get out, irrespective of what is happening in the relationship; abuse, rape or whatever.”
Getting out
Motene says to safely get out of this kind of relationship there needs to be planning done by the victim.
“If you are financially viable then planning for a safe place to go, if there are children involved then speaking with legal teams and family courts and collecting as much evidence as possible to have the perpetrator removed from the house. Collecting evidence such as videos, witnesses and affidavits, all of these types of things can stand in court but sometimes they don't because each case is different,” she said.
Motene says if you are not financially independent or unable to remove them from the house, then you need to find a safe haven with a friend or family member who has your best interests at heart. She says this can be difficult because often abusers alienate their victims from these people.
She says you can also try to save any money you have access to in a secret bank account.
“If a victim is not ready to leave and you force them to leave, they will go back and it will get worse. They must be ready,” she said.
Motene says one of the challenges victims of abuse face is that they are deterred from opening cases when they report to a police station far from where the abuse occurred.
The victim must try to collect as much evidence as possible to help their legal case.
“Gather as much evidence as possible. If you have access to legal help then ask an advocate to do your affidavit for you. Otherwise the best thing to do is to put everything on paper, jot it all down, read through it a number of times and get it into chronological order so that when you are ready to report, they can write that verbatim into the docket.”
If a victim is not ready to leave and you force them to leave, they will go back and it will get worse. They must be ready
Motene says it is important to take someone with you for moral support when you go to the police.
Head of the National Shelter Movement of SA, Dr Zubeda Dangor, says women and children can also call their helpline to find a safe space to stay.
“It's a 24-hour helpline. You call the helpline and then they identify where you are in the country. If they are in an area where Uber operates, then Uber can fetch them and take them to the shelter. If not, we also work with the police to be able to transport them. Sometimes organisations will also help. The helpline will organise with a particular shelter to check if there is space and then make sure the client gets there safely,” said Dangor.
The national toll-free helpline is 0800 001-005. You can also send an SMS, WhatsApp message or a please call me to (082) 057-8600, (082) 058-2215 and (072) 230-7147.
Sex workers
Sex Workers Education and Advocacy Taskforce activist Katlego Rasebitse told Sowetan that sex workers are often victims of intimate partner rape.
“Many sex workers are punished with rape by their partners because of the work they do. When they come back home their partner will abuse them by raping them, sometimes for hours on end,” he said.
Rasebitse said sex workers were not often believed by the police or even helped by shelters when they tried to escape.
“A sex worker’s pain is not recognised. Society does not believe a sex worker can be a victim of rape or that they need protection,” he said.
He said they helped sex workers through the legal system in these instances but many changed their minds.
Their partners often have the apartment or house in their name even though the victim is paying for most of the bills, including food and electricity.
“It's hard for you to get someone arrested when you live in the same house as them. Family also gets involved and the perpetrator blames the woman for being a sex worker,” said Rasebitse.
