The crushing effect of toxic shame

Many of us have most likely experienced shame at some point in our lives. This may have been as a result of a mistake we made or after realising that our actions have caused harm to the next person.

However, shame becomes toxic when it affects our overall outlook on self and when it opens the door to feelings of anger and disgust. A simple look in the mirror can give rise to intense feelings of worthlessness. Before you know it, you are covered by a dark and heavy blanket of self-loathing, which feels hard to remove.

“I had fully accepted my experiences until I had to face the world. I had no idea the world was so cruel and unforgiving to those who experience difficulties in life. Due to the world’s perception of me, my shame became very toxic,” said Nthabiseng Ngoepe.

On her journey of healing, the attorney, author and entrepreneur had to deal with toxic shame which made moving on from her experiences slightly more challenging.

Having survived multiple suicide attempts and a divorce, she felt unaccepted and misunderstood. Unfortunately, the toxic shame which was imposed on her led to her deeply internalising the feelings of worthlessness that came with it.

“I started feeling like I didn’t have a voice. I felt that I was not valuable enough to stand before anyone and say anything,” she added.

For many years, the toxic shame which Ngoepe felt came with a lot of rejection. In many ways, she was an outcast and it seemed as though many people loved and accepted her only until they knew about her history.

“I was once invited to minister at a certain church. After the posters had been done and everyone was looking forward to my attendance, I was told by the host that they could not have me there anymore.

"People were calling and saying that I’m a divorcee and I attempted to commit suicide. What good thing would I have to say to the people? No-one was willing to associate with me. My problems became a repellent,” Ngoepe said.

Incidents of this nature occurred on a regular basis, which led to Ngoepe feeling toxic shame over situations that she had initially accepted and worked hard to rise above. Over time, she felt it was somewhat wrong to simply be her true self, except when with close family.

“I became very reserved. Being myself around my family was easy because my mom was divorced and so was my grandmother. They were very receptive, helpful and understanding of what I was going through. But the world was not, at all. Even people who had never been married had an opinion,” she said.

It is through self-forgiveness and self-compassion that she was able to own her truth and continue to heal despite societal rejection.

“The greatest contributor to where I am has been my own forgiveness. When I accepted myself and what happened to me, I truly forgave myself."

Ultimately, Ngoepe believes that while society may sometimes disagree with our decisions, misunderstand our paths and even have opinions regarding the situations we face, it is crucial to not internalise all that is said. Additionally, she is a firm believer in finding purpose.

“The loudest voices you hear are always your own. Make sure that you truly find purpose within yourself, regardless of what you’re going through. For me, it’s in the simple experiences of helping other people. That’s what gives me meaning,” Ngoepe said.

According to psychological counsellor, Lerato Samy, it is okay to experience momentary feelings of shame. However, the difference between ordinary shame and toxic shame is what needs to be closely monitored.

“There’s nothing wrong with shame. You have to feel ashamed sometimes. That’s just how we grow and become better people. But when you entirely define yourself based on a situation, that’s when toxic shame comes in,” she clarified.

Samy added that ordinary shame exists for a short period of time, whereas toxic shame can have one feeling useless for months and even years. Moreover, she highlighted that toxic shame can have various contributing factors.

“The most obvious one is how you were raised. The kind of environment you were raised in and the kind of family you come from can play a role. Bad relationships can also contribute to toxic shame”.

Additionally, the manifestation of toxic shame can exist on two extremes. An individual can either be very passive or very aggressive.

“You either become passive; a people pleaser that lacks healthy boundaries because you do not want to upset anybody. People will just have their way with you because you believe you are a worthless person.

"The other extreme of toxic shame is aggressiveness. So an individual can be very aggressive, domineering and intimidating. You become very untrusting of people and always feel the need to protect yourself,” she elaborated.

In dealing with toxic shame, Samy suggests cognitive behavioural therapy, opening oneself up to good ideas, as well as being more aware of one’s thoughts.

“It’s also important to surround yourself with positive people who want the best for you,” she added.