“Lord, I am grateful for the gifts of life, love and family” is how I persistently initiate my conversations with God.
This is regardless of the subject matter of my communication; I simply begin with acknowledging the gifts bestowed upon me while continually expressing gratitude. My grandmother, uMadlamini, taught this to me at a tender age.
She would say “uThixo uyabulelwa mntanam, nokuba kuyakrakra, qala ubonge”, which references the importance of gratitude even amid adversity. To you mntane’dlozi, it is good practice to express and practise gratitude, it opens your soul up for blessings and general abundance. Light your candles and give thanks.
I choose to express gratitude for life, love and family because those are the most important things to me. I give thanks for financial freedom (while simultaneously asking for more – who doesn’t?). I extend the category of family to my friends because I regard them as my “family of my choosing”. Friendship, in my opinion, is much like family, but with far less judgment, expectation and a stronger sense of unconditional love and support. Social scientists agree about this.
I can attest to the unconditional support just because generally I think the family tends to love and accept you, but they tend to have a judgmental lens. I think this judgment is underpinned by their expectations of us, which are informed by our positions as sisters/cousins/mothers and so forth. Friendship offers the freedom of fluidity, growing together, and creating rites and rituals for celebrating milestones.
Let me explain. A few years ago I reached a seminal point of my spiritual journey – where I was no longer able to ignore its existence. Upon learning of the seriousness of idlozi I relied on my friends, mostly Asande (she was my housemate at the time), to help me create meaning. Gradually, we journeyed together as we tried to create meaning. I think I realised quite quickly that my life would no longer be the same. I would have to change and adapt to my gift – I had to grow up.
I knew that even the meanings that I attribute to things like birthdays would change. As I grew as a healer, I realised that the western way of celebrating birthdays wouldn’t cut it. I had to embark on a journey of decoloniality (as a true African feminist scholar). To be fair, once I started ukuthwasa I couldn’t exactly go clubbing and partying – it was prohibited.
At first, I would cheat the system by simply removing my neck beads. However, as I progressed in my calling, my dress changed and included inqwambu (goat skin bracelets) and imbhola emhlope. I had to live at my initiation school and so partying was a no-go. It sucked but I moved on.
As I approached my 28th birthday, circa October 2020, I was still in initiation school – which meant I couldn’t party like a rock star – I was bummed. Fortunately, my ancestors had revealed my umgqabazo ceremony, which was due to happen during my birthday weekend. MaDlamini and I prepared umqombothi. The ceremony was blissful.
Post the ceremony, it was apparent to me that I had to do something for my ancestors to celebrate and give gratitude for the gift of life. I had to be intentional, I had to fast, meditate, phahla and include my ancestors in my celebrations, I felt honoured.
A year later, at my 29th, my ancestors swiftly reminded me to include them in the celebrations. I was given clear and concise instructions for what I had to do. Though I will not share the nature of the dream, because it is my mfihlo (my secret) I can share some tips on how to account for your ancestors as you celebrate your life.
First, I would suggest that you go on a mini-fast, it could be intermittent. Here you ask for clarity on matters currently plaguing you while strengthening your bond with uThixo namaDlozi.
Secondly, make sure to light candles and burn incense consistently in the week of your birthday. Take cleansing baths and, if you’re up to it, prepare some traditional beer, umqombothi.
Finally, host a lunch with close friends and family where you will all express gratitude and share the things for which you are grateful. Umqombothi is meant to be enjoyed by family and neighbours – extend the invitation and, no, you don’t have to slaughter an animal. There tends to be a misconception that ancestors always require blood sacrifice – that is not true. We can go into this another time.
Remember to give Thanks.
Disclaimer: consult an elder of your family about how they prepare umqombothi and the rites and rituals that follow it. Make sure uyaphahla with umqombothi, impepho and candles. Call your clan names out load ubonge, using this time to also manifest all your wishes and desires.
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