What if the snake money revives our economy

All this talk about snakes and riches is not new to most of us, of course. For the longest of time, it was the only way darkies could explain how one could manage to build a three-storey house in a township sans the right skin colour and generational wealth.

It was the "beneficial" kind of witchcraft, unlike the craft of riding baboons in the nude just to ensure that your neighbour's daughter fails standard 10! No. The people accused of nesting snakes in bedrooms in their mansions had tangible success, and big green lawns. Now that I think about it... lots of grass, huh?

Okay, I have no objection to people's choice of pets. I have lived next door to a guy who had a snake pet. Only he was white, and was able to kiss the little serpent without anyone thinking it was a sexual act. Privilege! However, I cannot help wondering how I would handle an encounter with a serpent.

Well, according to the recent trend and analysis, I may not be quite the target market for rich snake keepers, seeing that my slay game is near non-existent, and I have never toasted on Dom Perignon at the VIP section of any club, nor do I know how to draw on a brow. The whole look to attract riches package – it is scarce in my reality, but achievable nonetheless.

So, if it ever happens that I am sitting pulling my Afro while sipping on orange juice after a light lunch and a gentleman in Gucci pyjamas and Versace sunglasses, swinging keys to a Maserati while clutching on two phones on the other hand offers to introduce me to his enterprising snake, I am hopping on that passenger seat! For research!

Firstly, I wonder if they talk and all. I imagine if you are going to have a mamba as a CFO for all your business ventures, living in your house and shagging your girls too, the least they can do is learn your language – side eyeing colonialists! Anyway, getting just one snake to admit that the devil is a liar would be great. It would validate, in a single conversation, the most important feminist mandate… proving that Eve was framed!

Then, I would want to know its opinion on Tito's medium-term budget policy statement, and the feasibility of snakes rescuing the economy in the midst of Covid. What if government were to implement a programme for rapid ophidian reproduction and put a snake in every household?

Also, I am curious if the slithery creature would consider itself a sex worker, seeing that the allegations are that for someone to benefit from its presence in the home there must be a woman to cater to its insatiable libido and in turn, it rains money.

And, given an opportunity, would it consider returning to the wild, or does the lure of luxury defeat its nature?

There is so much I want to know about this money snake phenomena. But most importantly, I want to know why as a people, are we so doubtful of our ability to be successful and amassing wealth that we would rather believe that snakes are better entrepreneurs than our neighbours!