Today is day nine of the 16 Days of Activism for No Violence against Women and Children campaign. This annual campaign keeps the plight of women and children who find themselves under the yoke of abuse in the spotlight. It raises awareness and informs.
But information is useless in the hands and minds of victims who feel powerless to act on it. What makes abuse so difficult to walk away from is that the abuser creates circumstances to make his victims feel beholden to him.
It’s not just about the violence that an abusive person perpetrates on those closest to them, but it is about the manipulation and control that the abuser uses to make his victims feel that to stand up to them and to leave them would be an act of betrayal too grievous for their consciences to bear.
An abuser doesn’t only terrorise by violent displays of superiority. He uses the subtle tactic of guilting and shaming the victim into believing that everything that is happening to them is their fault.
We’ve all seen depictions of abusers who will beat their partners and children and then blame their behaviour on the victims. They make excuses about how the victims do not appreciate their efforts, undermine their authority, do not support them, and fail to meet their expectations and do not understand the pressure they are under.
The abuser fixates on the victim’s actions and words as the cause of their explosive and destructive behaviour. The aim is to make the victim turn on themselves, feeling they need to do more or change so as to prevent the abuser from behaving that way again.
The victims, usually women, invest a great deal of their time, energy and money trying to make the man’s life easier, better and sweeter. To avoid and evade the next attack they learn to capitulate to the abuser’s demands, even before he opens his mouth to speak.
They change themselves for him: their hair, clothes, beliefs, values and preferences. Then they leave their friends, families and jobs for him.
They censor themselves so as not to say things that will offend him. They silence themselves because to advocate and speak up for themselves is to provoke him. They close their eyes to the inappropriate things he does and their ears to the belittling things he says.
All this leaves victims isolated, self-deprecating and invisible and even self-loathing. By causing them to abandon themselves and doubt their own sense of worth and value, the abuser places himself in a most powerful position. He makes his victims wilful participants in their own exploitation, victimisation and invalidation. Victims begin to see themselves as deserving of what the abuser is doing to them.
When the abuser is able to take over the minds of his victims, he is able to exercise control over them without even having to make an effort. He just presses buttons. He has the remote control.
And abusers use this combination of manipulation, control and violence to keep victims powerless, seeing themselves as having no other options, considering themselves as completely dependent on their abuser.
This explains why a highly competent, celebrated and top-achieving professional woman can allow herself to be battered, bruised and broken by a man who may be way below her stature. The power of an abuser is to make the victim believe they deserve it.
It is not enough to raise awareness and give victims information about their options. What’s more important is to validate victims and their voice; to empower them by helping them realise and accept their inherent worth and value.
It is when they can say “I don’t deserve this” that they can begin to claim their power: their power to think, power to act and power to choose themselves and their lives over their abuser.
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