At the funeral of Nomzamo Mhlanti and her five children in Sidabekweni village in Xhora (Elliotdale), police minister Bheki Cele urged women who find themselves in toxic relationships to leave sooner rather than later.
Mhlanti and her children were hacked to death, allegedly by her boyfriend and the father of her three youngest children.
Cele reportedly said that families had a major role to play in bringing an end to gender-based violence (GBV). This statement is significant because family and social pressure are a major factor in determining whether women who find themselves in toxic and abusive relationships stay or leave.
The cultural and societal norms that have made marriage and long-term relationships into an “endurance contest” where success is judged by how long suffering women are despite the abuse and disrespect they may be subjected to, must be challenged.
When a woman has decided that her life is more valuable than any benefits she may be getting out of a relationship with a difficult and toxic partner, it is often shame that may keep her stuck in a dangerous situation.
In addition to the manipulation and coercion that are part and parcel of patterns of abusive behaviour that keep women feeling powerless to act on Cele’s good advice, the fear and reality of being shamed by family, friends and society for leaving and giving up on a marriage and relationship can lead to feelings of helplessness and hopelessness that paralyse women.
A major part of empowering abused women and their children is for them to know that they will not and do not stand alone against the perpetrators of this violence against their bodies and minds.
Campaigns against GBV where public figures and celebrities lend their support to victims of abuse serve as important public endorsements to the rights of victims of abuse to live in safety and security in their own homes and society more broadly. But these public endorsements mean very little if the victims cannot rely on their immediate circles for support and validation.
Escaping potentially fatal situations is not easy. It takes a tremendous amount of courage for victims of abuse to make the decision to leave. And when they’ve decided, taking the necessary steps to get out of a toxic relationship can be stifled not only by probable resistance from the abusive partner but also by voices of family and friends questioning, minimising and/or dismissing the victims’ experience and casting doubt on their reality.
It is not unusual for well-meaning people to place the onus on the victim to rationalise the bad behaviour of their abusers and to have to explain and justify themselves for wanting to leave and for leaving.
Although this is done in the name of fairness and remaining objective, these well-intentioned people, wittingly or unwittingly, become part of the problem. Their actions and words have the effect of adding to the victims’ confusion, leading them to second guess and doubt themselves. This places a heavy burden of guilt and shame on the shoulders of victims.
Often, it is the fear that no-one will believe them, that their families, friends and society are most likely to stand with perpetrators of the violence because of their position, money, power, charm and charisma, that could be the biggest hurdle preventing victims from leaving. And sadly, this fear can lead victims to resign themselves to suffering and even dying tragically at the hands of abusive men.
Campaigns against abuse and GBV need to become more personal. Each of us needs to take a personal resolution to be part of the solution rather than part of the problem. It is better to err on the side of caution. Let’s choose to believe, support and protect victims first, and investigate later. By so doing, we can prevent unnecessary and tragic deaths, such as that of Mhlanti and her five children.
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