My kids, my responsibility. These were the words of Solomon Mondlane, whom I wrote about in this column at the beginning of 2020. Mondlane has been in a painstaking process of trying to gain access to his children, who moved in with their grandparents following the death of their mother. Mondlane has been in this war to access his children for three years and seven months. He tells me that his elder daughter said to him: “Let it go papa. You tried and we all know.”
No parent should have to fight a long, and almost always financially draining, case to see their own children, especially when the father has not been given a substantive reason as to why this is the case. And children should also not be subjected to witnessing such pain, so much so that they ask their dad to give up on the entire process.
The sole reason, as far as Mondlane is concerned, as to why he is being denied access to his children is because he had not paid the full amount of lobola upon the death of his wife. His in-laws argue that his children are therefore not his.
In 2020, the man in question put up a tent and staged an 11-day hunger strike outside the department of social development to draw attention to his case and his eagerness to have access to his children and fulfill his fathering role.
His story made me think on the life of President Joe Biden and the love he has for his children. I subsequently thought about his book, Promise Me, Dad, which puts into sharp focus the importance of the presence of fathers in the lives of children. The presence I'm talking about is not limited to physical presence or what I ordinarily or colloquially refer to as ATM fathers. Mondlane typifies what I always preach to men, that fatherhood is not limited to living in one house, or picking up your children on the weekend, or ensuring that they have food and shelter. Fatherhood goes beyond that; it is to be emotionally available, to be involved in all aspects of your children’s lives, to be a safe space for them and to nurture them.
Culture is being used as a stumbling block to Mondlane accessing his children. Our country, the whole world in fact, is running low on present fathers. We know that absent fathers or absent fathering is a phenomenon. I do not think culture and religion should still exist or be used in a manner that stifles opportunity for men to be present fathers.
We have witnessed the consequences that come with patriarchy rooted in religion and culture. It has resulted in detached fathering. Where men think they are only as good as the money they can offer to the home, not judging themselves or being judged by how active as fathers they are, by how involved or attentive they are to their affective duty in the lives of their children.
This materialistic view on fatherhood has resulted in adult men and women who cannot really say they know their father, other than the man who would be called in to discipline them or the man to go to when they need money. Which is all well and good, but we know that many of us, if we had fathers, their role was the stern, authoritative figure. Fathers hardly spoke to our affective needs, which is not solely their fault because for a long time we have been taught that it is mothers who must appeal to our affective side and play this duty as parents.
But this role is important for fathers too, because then we create a conducive environment for boy children to learn that being a man does not automatically come with sternness and authority or instilling fear in others. Boy children will learn through their fathers modelling that a man can be emotive, affectionate and love loudly.
As a society we need to continually work at ensuring that culture, religion and traditions do not stand in the way of progressive, emotive, present and involved fatherhood – things that should, in fact, be normal fathering. These should not be seen as outstanding fatherhood. They should be the status quo.
Speaking of present and readily available fathers, may the soul of Jackson Mthembu rest in peace. He never shied away from sharing with us the vulnerabilities that came with fatherhood. He will also be remembered for his servant leadership.
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