Initially you will be destroyed by infidelity. The betrayal will be soul shattering. You will experience periods of disillusionment, anger, sadness, despair, hopelessness, numbness and hurt. You will cry, shout, scream, break things, plot and scheme on ways to get even.
You will be afraid to love again, self-doubt and blame yourself. And you will be guarded, suspicious and extremely cautious with every subsequent person you meet. You will look at every potential partner like a threat, an enemy, a plague that needs to be treated, punished and eradicated.
Ultimately your fear of love will keep you from finding the very thing that you’re searching for, love.
However, while you may be the victim of infidelity, the truth is that cheating rarely has anything to do with you, the person cheated on. It has more to do with the cheater’s unresolved issues, hurts, wounds, fears and past experiences. It speaks more to them not being at a place in their lives where they feel secure and good about themselves.
They are not where they feel they should be, and so they keep hopping from bed to bed trying to get the validation they need to feel whole, happy and secure. But what they don’t realise is that, true personal satisfaction and validation is not found on the other side of a climax.
They may blame you in justifying their betrayal in all manner of absurd ways. It may be lack of security in the relationship, anger and revenge, immaturity, sex addiction, search for happiness, lack of self-worth and self-respect.
But it’s not you, it’s me. This really is true, in most cases. Here are a few reasons why your partner cheating had nothing to do with you or your relationship.
Serial cheaters can’t do intimacy. It doesn’t matter who they end up with, they will always cheat because the alternative is to be intimate with someone. They will always avoid being vulnerable because they might get hurt. Affairs are a great way to distract yourself from painful feelings you’ve never resolved.
They want to feel young again. By sneaking around, being "naughty", they’re seeking to recapture parts of themselves that have been lost as well as check if they’ve still "got it".
They want sexual intensity, which can’t be maintained long term. No matter how good a lover you are, you can’t replicate the erotic potency that sleeping with someone new brings.
They’re mourning missed opportunities. What if they’d chosen another path? What if they’d taken up other romantic opportunities? Having an affair now could be them playing out the past.
They don’t like who they’ve become. When we seek the gaze of another, it isn’t always our partner we are turning away from, but the person that we have ourselves become. And it isn’t so much that we’re looking for another person, as much as we are searching for self.
They want freedom. If one is happily married for years but got together young, the affair could be seen as a chance to explore the freedom and autonomy they missed out on in their youth.
An antidote to death. Many people who have affairs often tell us, they feel alive. And a little probe will always lead to stories of recent losses– a parent who died, a friend that went too soon, a job loss, bad news at the doctor, etc. Men may intensely seek outside sex to reinforce their masculinity, and women may be seeking to reinforce their femininity for a lack of affection at home. It’s not uncommon for people who lose someone or something dear to them to suddenly want sex. Sex, after all, is how we create life. It appeals on a deep, psychological level.
They’re bored. Monotony, repetition and mundaneness in marriages can lead someone to seek new discoveries outside their relationships.
It’s possible to love and lust after more than one person simultaneously. Generally, people marry the boring partner because they’re mature, stable and reliable, and would make a great parent, then have steamy sex on the side with the hot, bad ones. That way the cheating partner gets the security, stability and companionship of long-term love, and the excitement of erotic sex on the side. Having it both ways, for as long as you’re not caught, brings a level of satisfaction.
Your cheating partner may blame you for all sorts of things to justify their cheating when they’re caught. But never get it twisted; their cheating has nothing to do with you. People cheat on partners they deeply love. Stop beating yourself up wondering what you did or didn’t do. Many people cheat just because the sky is blue.
Would you like to comment on this article?
Sign up (it's quick and free) or sign in now.
Please read our Comment Policy before commenting.