There is simply no woman that can wreck another woman’s home without the initiative, permission and enablement of the husband. Before the “other woman” entered the scene, the home was already wrecked – most probably by him. Whether the wreckage was still bubbling under or the marriage was already visibly dysfunctional, it’s pure laziness to label the “other woman” a homewrecker.
The “homewrecker” myth is widely accepted – that some woman just inserted herself into another woman’s “perfectly happy” union; claimed what wasn’t hers and single-handedly wreaked havoc in that marriage. Nonsense!
Granted, there are some women – even men – who are committed to being the side piece and have absolutely no respect for boundaries. And they do so with pride, like there’s an award at the end of it all. However, despite their life of slutty ways, their mission would not be fulfilled without one key ingredient: The husband’s permission.
One of the most widespread arguments that usually lead to trashy husbands being absolved of blame and accountability for their role in violating vows and agreements is the myth of the “homewrecker”.
And why do we often blame women when men cheat?
It’s very strange because it’s seldom his fault, even in the eyes of the broader society. It’s either something the wife runs short of at home or it must be that “seductive temptress”. It's either she tempted him to cheat, or the wife drove him away. Even women themselves, instead of seeing him for the slutty trash that he is, find it easier to blame one another.
The “other woman” blames the wife for whatever he says he’s not getting at home. And she takes it as is without challenging him, and tries to use it to fix her moral conscience despite the huge possibility that he’s actually lying and just wants to satisfy his lustful proclivities with her. But even if it was true, ungena phi?
And for the wife, of course, it’s tempting to blame the other woman. To imagine that she pursued her husband, with an up-to-date bikini wax and pants that haven’t gone grey from the washing machine. It’s far nicer to think that the reason your dearly beloved bonked someone else is because he was powerless. Out of control. A pawn in a manipulative woman’s game.
Now, there… right there, is something worse than male privilege for us all to think about. There’s no “other man”, there’s only “the other woman”. There isn't even a word for a male mistress. This is on the same level as Musa Mseleku’s claim that, “Africans don’t cheat”, and that “cheating is a Western phenomenon”.
When you’re the one being left, or cheated on, it’s really painful to think that the person you loved made a choice not to be with you. Processing that level of hurt is awful, and it can be a relief to lose ourselves in rage at a woman we don’t know. But in order to heal and move on, we have to actually deal with the man we know.
Why are women blamed? We’ll deal with this question deeper in the next column.
Women are generally labelled as responsible for the quality of the relationship, which perpetuates the notion, “happy wife – happy home”.
Historically, women were generally dependent on men. There were clear divisions of roles and responsibilities. A man’s job, as the head of the family, roughly included the provision of physical and financial security for the family. And the wife’s job was mainly to uphold the relationship by offering physical and emotional care and comfort, as well as provide for his sexual satisfaction. These socially constructed stereotypical positions are still deeply rooted into our modern-day approaches to marriage, even though they are slowly fading.
A cheating husband is not an innocent victim. He’s in fact a perpetrator – a selfish, immature, and most probably, a control freak of an imposter. He’s a conman that’s willing to risk the health of his wife, as well as a lifetime of possible true love and commitment, all because of his unbridled hormonal adventures. He’s a grown boy who just happens to shave every now and then.
A cheating husband is responsible for cheating on his wife, period! Actually, the first and only person the wife must hold accountable for cheating on her is her husband. The only person who owes you fidelity is your spouse. The person he’s sleeping with while lying to you has no loyalty to you. They owe you nothing.
We can do better than make excuses for married men’s trashy behaviour, blaming women who never declared any vows to be someone’s “lawfully wedded wife”.
“Homewreckers” or “husband stealers” are a myth. And if you allow yourself to believe that myth then it's you putting the final nail in your marriage’s coffin – not any homewrecker or husband stealer.
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