Why women are blamed when their men cheat on them

The examples are far too many to ignore. Besides the women next door, there’s a list of women in the spotlight who are victims of this anomaly of why women are blamed when their men cheat.

We can talk about how Norma Mngoma is often vilified on social media for her reaction to what came to be known as Malusi Gigaba’s adulterous lifestyle among other things.

You may recall how Monica Lewinsky became the world’s most famous “home-wrecker” when she sexually entertained then US president Bill Clinton. Hillary, his wife, is on record to have somehow been the “enabler” of the affair, while Bill continued being the president.

We could also remind you of Brad Pitt’s infidelity with Angelina Jolie while he was married to Jennifer Aniston, and how it was basically the fault of both women. The headlines read something like, “Angelina stole Brad from Jennifer!” Nearly always, the fury was directed not at Pitt, who broke his marriage vows, but at Jolie.

This isn’t to imply that women aren't responsible for their own roles in extramarital affairs. But the fact remains that women on both sides of the infidelity equation are blamed, while the man in the middle tends to get off scot-free. It’s far from fair, or the truth, but it happens nonetheless.

Typically people want to know what she did to make him cheat, instead of holding him accountable for his slutty behaviour.

The blame typically centres on the following:

• The woman was not providing enough sex for the man;

• The woman wasn’t creative enough in bed;

• The woman was no longer interested in pursuing the man;

• The woman had become sexually boring;

• The woman had let herself go physically;

• The woman had generally lost interest in the man;

• The woman had prioritised other things and interests more than the man, including children, career, church, family or friends.

Self-blame

Although women will typically blame their husbands or boyfriends for the affair, they also tend to place the blame on themselves. They tend to question what they did wrong, and then believe that if they had behaved differently, their partners would be satisfied and faithful. The saddest thing men do to try and justify their cheating is to blame their women.

Historical perspective

Historically, women were generally dependent on men. There were clear divisions of roles and responsibilities. A man’s job, as the head of the family, roughly included the provision of physical and financial security for the family. And the wife’s job was mainly to uphold the relationship by offering physical and emotional care and comfort, as well as provide for his sexual satisfaction. As such, women end up blaming themselves for the infidelity, subconsciously saying to themselves, "If I had been good enough", or "If only I were better at sex", then their partner wouldn’t have left.

Blaming “the other woman”

In addition to themselves, women will also point at the other woman rather than their partners.

You’ve likely seen the trashy talk shows in which the girlfriend and the other woman attack each other once the affair has been discovered. Instead of throwing punches at the man, the woman that’s been cheated on takes her anger out on the “mistress”, which further contributes to women taking the blame for men’s infidelity.

The temptress stereotype

There is a long history in the modern world of looking at women as dangerous seductresses who are out to get other women’s husbands. That is basically to say, if a woman comes on to a man, he has no choice but to fall prey to her charms. As a counterpart to this is the idea that men are helpless to control their sexual urges. Therefore, women have to be responsible for making sure men don’t cheat.

There’s lot of nonsense we’ve accepted as tradition, and are now trying to shake of our social psyche.

Women have traditionally been seen as monogamous, and the ones who must value commitment. However, the truth is men are perfectly capable of making decisions about who to date and who not to. Just as they are able to hear and understand a woman’s “no”, they are able to turn down an attractive and available woman because it’s more important to them to honour their existing monogamous relationship.

But the idea of “boys will be boys” doesn't fly anymore. It's time to change these norms.