Generally, the harsh reality of consistent betrayal provides you with two paths to consider.
Firstly, you may see yourself as victim, where you will derive loads of support, and a wealth of instant gratification rewards.
The victim path however, is one of bitterness and powerlessness. It tells you to personalise your partner’s poor, selfish and immature choices to the point of self-blame and self-pity. This path tells you to keep a record of all their wrongs and make them responsible for how you feel. It tells you, you cannot be happy unless they pay for what they’ve done. And they probably do deserve to pay for what they’re putting you through.
What you get from being in this path is that you get to stay angry for as long as you want. You get to keep the score and rehash all the hurt. You independently set the price of punishment, and you can also withhold any rights or privileges ordinarily due to them as you deem fit. People will support and identify with you, and help you carry out the justice you believe you are owed.
However, the downsides of taking this path is that it leads deeper into emotional hell of manipulation and powerlessness. You also leave an emotional wound unhealed, and you’re likely to bleed into your next relationship, should you decide to break-up.
The second path is that you may choose to see yourself as a survivor.
This is a learning path where you look for the lessons behind the circumstances, and take power, strength and growth from adversity. Taking this path means managing how you respond to all your partner’s appalling behaviour. You don’t live in denial of what is happening nor are you endorsing it. You simply take your power back by acting in a self-respecting manner where you don’t appear to be the crazy one.
When you chose this path, you look at affairs from a dual perspective: hurt and betrayal on one side, growth and self-discovery on the other. Basically, the cost of the damage versus what the experience means to the straying partner. This balance helps you to make better decisions and find the closure you need.
The number one goal in any entanglement should be that you can say you’re proud of who you are, and therefore your conduct in the relationship. Even if you know you’re going to cut the relationship because of your partner’s serial cheating, don’t let your anger get the best of you. Your ultimate goal is to be proud of the way you end it, because that’s a reflection on you, not on your partner.
You should never put yourself in a situation where you look like the insane one, as you’d be throwing yourself under the bus and distracting everyone from the fact that what the serial cheater is doing is wrong. Though it’s never easy to walk away, it’ll be better to leave with your integrity intact than to end a relationship adrift in a sea of paranoia.
Even if you choose to tolerate the serial cheating behaviour and accept it as your portion in life because well, “all men cheat” in your view, you will continue to live disconnected lives. You simply cannot be married to someone with whom you’re living separate lives and are pursuing separate interests – not even “for the sake of the children”. That goes against the very definition and everything else about what marriage is.
It’s either you come together and commit to a deliberate process of restoration, or you choose a self-inflicted tormenting lifestyle where your health is threatened and the worldview of your children is forever negatively affected for as long as there is no sanity prevailing in your relationship.
There are a number of questions you should consider before throwing in the towel in your marriage for whatever reason.
Ask yourself, is there willingness on your spouse’s side to resolve issues? How much responsibility do you take for enabling their behaviour? Are you really ready for a divorce? Are you still able to reflect on what drew you together? Will you regret ending the relationship for any reason at all? Have you given this relationship your best shot? What practical steps is your partner willing to take in order to change, and can you trust them to be faithful through the process? Is the relationship worth fighting for?
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