Marriage is hard work. Sometimes we all need an outlet to talk about struggles in our marriage. But who you talk to about your marriage could in fact be sabotaging your marriage instead of helping it.
Over the years, we’ve had the privilege of meeting with numerous couples in all stages of marriage. And in all these various phases, we’ve noticed the following themes:
• No married couple is without conflict and challenges.
• Every couple feels like “opposites” in some, and usually most, ways.
• Every couple gets frustrated at times in their relationship and looks towards a third party for emotional support.
This is normal. However, what surprises most couples is that the communication they have with each other is only one part of the problem. Sometimes the bigger issue is the communication they are having with third-parties in their lives about their spouse and marriage.
Is talking to others about your marriage a bad thing? As a matter of principle, no. We can all benefit from a third-party perspective as we believe no marriage should be an island, especially when things get overwhelming.
But most people, instead of consulting professionals with healthy marriages themselves or truly neutral third-parties, they call on a family member or friend.
Reasons why venting to family or friends is problematic:
They are only hearing your side of the story. And they are often hearing it in the heat of your anger and frustration. When we speak out of a place of hurt and anger, we often exaggerate the situation. So, when you call your bestie and vent about how your spouse keeps allowing their nosy parents to interfere in your marriage for instance, your friend often hears the worst version of the story, and only one side. This makes objectivity impossible.
Their first allegiance is to you, not to your marriage. When you call on your mother, sister or bestie, they will almost always take your side. It makes sense because you are their closest connection. No matter what happened or who was at fault, there’s a strong chance they will end up taking your side and offer advice against that backdrop.
That simply isn’t right. You are not a singular person anymore. You are married. Any positive advice you receive from third-parties must have the best interest of the marriage altogether. There are extreme cases where abuse is involved, and this does not apply to those cases. But even then, we encourage people to seek a professional third-party, including law enforcement, who can help you out of the situation.
They rarely hear about what happens next. Have you noticed how, when it feels like everything is falling apart, we reach out and tell a friend all about the drama? But, when things get resolved, we rarely call that friend back and say, “You know, I actually was as much to blame as my spouse. But we asked each other for forgiveness and made up. Thanks for listening!”
Instead, we often leave third-parties with only the bad side of what happened, which is often blamed on the spouse, and not the reconciliation. Over time, this can taint their view of your spouse and cause other issues, especially if you are venting to a family member who would often come across your spouse. By carelessly venting your frustrations to family or friend, you are often unknowingly sabotaging their relationship with your spouse.
“But I tell my mom everything!.” Well, that may have been the case before you got married. But now, your primary allegiance is to your spouse, not your parents, siblings or friends. And one of the best ways to build trust in your marriage is to preserve your spouse’s privacy and reputation in this way.
Venting to your parents, siblings or friends about your spouse and marriage also creates a complex dynamic in their relationship with your spouse that isn’t healthy.
Marital conflict is necessary for intimacy and health of the marriage. It’s the very thing that should bring you closer as a couple and help you become students of one another on a deeper level. But careless venting, even to great people you love, can actually have detrimental effects to your marriage.
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