Marriage and loneliness are strange bedfellows and speak volumes about the complexities of a relationship. By its very definition, marriage is the joining of two separate lives into one unified family. Over a period of time, the two are soul-tied into one spiritually, physically, mentally and emotionally in a healthy soul tie. God designed it that way.
What loneliness looks like in marriage
Loneliness in marriage often happens slowly, as the disconnection you feel from your spouse gradually increases over time. It happens when you both are at one place, but fail to connect with each other. In fact, you may even feel awkward to be alone with each other. In simple words, you are a couple to the world out there, but are privately living separate lives.
Your interaction with each other often becomes hostile and argumentative, and you start assuming things. Intimate conversations about mutual interests, happenings around you, your personal dreams, and even where the marriage is going cease altogether. You stop sharing your feelings because you know your spouse will most probably be critical or not be empathetic.
Moreover, you become less dependable, forget special days, and you try filling the void through work, studies or toxic friendships. Sexual and emotional intimacy goes out the window.
Furthermore, conversations become purely transactional, like “we need milk”; “your mother called”; or “kids have school soccer on Friday”. Or even worse, you give excessive attention to the children.
Couples also tend to fall into daily routines that foster emotional distance like one partner watches television in the evening while the other is on the computer, or one goes to bed at 9pm and wakes at 5am while the other goes to bed at midnight and wakes at 8am. In short, you lose the love and the affection but stay in the marriage, ironically, often out of a fear of being lonely. But by doing so, you potentially doom yourselves to the very loneliness you’re trying to avoid.
There’s a range of ways to deal with loneliness in marriage. The following are just few of suggestions:
Initiate conversations
If you’re lonely in your marriage, it means there has been a breakdown in communication somewhere along the way. It may feel awkward initially, but you need to start talking again. Start by taking interest on each other’s day, and be deliberate about listening. Avoid criticising your spouse unnecessarily, and rather show empathy in your conversations. This will encourage them to trust you with their feelings and emotions a lot more. Gradually, your communication will grow to laughing together and talking about your hopes, fears, and dreams. Develop a culture of “bed conversations” in the evening before you sleep and in the morning before you start your day. You need to reconnect, and conversation is the bridge that will get you there.
Develop a family prayer life
There’s a great deal of intimacy couples develop in prayer. Building your faith as a couple affords you an opportunity to look beyond your spouse for security, happiness and self-worth. Praying together also allows you the platform to be vulnerable, and gives you an opportunity to eavesdrop on your spouse’s intimate thoughts. Your first prayer may be just asking God to help you get out of this lonely time in your marriage, and then you can add to your prayer list together.
Do small favours for each other
Is he struggling with his necktie? Help him do it. Is she a foodie? Prepare a delicious breakfast for her. This will make your partner look up to you. They’d know to come to you for any help or with any problem. You will be their first destination in distress.
Let your spouse know how much they mean to you
Independence is the enemy of marriage. Being your own person, who has developed their own individual life in marriage, is one sure way of splitting the relationship apart. Rather what you want to achieve is interdependence.
When you allow one another to flourish in your differences without seeking to change each other, you’re emphasising one another’s importance among other things. When you call or text your spouse during the day for no reason other than “I love you”, you’re letting your spouse know how much they mean to you. Vocalise your appreciation for your spouse, and their importance in the relationship.
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