One of the biggest fallacies in romantic relationships is that you just need to “find the right person” to marry.
On one level, this sort of thinking tends to exempt us from being the “right” person. To some extent, we make others the focus and remove ourselves from growing and maturing to be the kind of person others should be looking for. It’s a type of narcissism that suggests there’s little to no improvement necessary from our end.
The vast majority of advice on love and dating is externally focused, either telling people how to find the ideal person or how to change the person they have into the ideal partner. This focus on others can be very problematic.
While we believe it is critically important to know what qualities you seek in a partner, an overemphasis on searching for the “right person” often keeps people from thinking about how they themselves can become the “right person”.
One of the keys to making yourself Mr or Ms Right is to focus on the types of character traits two people need for a relationship to endure. Unfortunately, you won’t find much advice on such qualities as patience, resilience, kindness, humility, respectfulness, forgiveness, honesty or trust.
Furthermore, these traits are only cultivated when we are put in situations that require them. For example, you won’t know your capacity to forgive until you have been disappointed or hurt by someone you love.
Too often we overemphasise the importance of the superficial qualities that attract us to someone without giving much consideration to a person’s character and temperament. This leads into relationships that are built, maintained and evaluated almost exclusively on chemistry and physical compatibility.
Most relationships don’t suffer from a lack of chemistry. They suffer because many couples have a weak foundation and lack such tools as conflict resolution and effective communication that are needed to perform basic, ongoing relationship maintenance.
Truth is there is no such thing as the right or wrong person. There are just people with whom you consciously and deliberately determine to build a lasting bond. And that is possible with any reasonable human being you believe suits your values, life goals and matches your level of maturity.
To another extent, this notion of finding the “right” person communicates that we are relationship-ready and that there’s little work needed in us to make a successful relationship. This is of course, fallacious. However, with this sort of thought process, you are likely to blame and project whatever relationship challenge you may face onto your partner – since you need very little improvement.
Furthermore, this myth seeks to absolve people of duty and responsibility in building solid relationships and marriages.
True love is not found. It is built, deliberately, and can be continually improved on. And no matter how bad or good your relationship is right now, it can get better – with the same person.
When both parties are willing to apply wisdom to patiently work on their relationship and marriage, it's bound to be good, get better and be the best it can be. And that won't be because you found the “right person”.
Truth is there is no such thing as the right or wrong person. There are just people with whom you consciously and deliberately determine to build a lasting bond. And that is possible with any reasonable human being you believe suits your values, life goals and matches your level of maturity.
The myth of finding the “right person” also communicates that couples that have successful relationships and marriages were lucky to have found one another... another social lie about romantic love.
Luck has a small role to play in having a “successful” marriage. It is also as insignificant in meeting someone to build a lifetime relationship with.
Whenever you meet couples whose marriages you qualify as successful, they'll most commonly tell you about virtues like intentionality, work, patience and commitment for better or worse from which their true love was born and got to mature.
Finding a compatible partner is important. But what’s more important is being the type of person other people would benefit from being in a relationship with.
Becoming the right person requires a great deal of honest self-reflection, the wisdom and desire to mature, and the courage to make whatever changes are necessary for growth. The great, and sometimes frustrating, thing about relationships is that they will lay bare weaknesses, insecurities, bad habits, defence mechanisms, and any other area of our lives that expose our imperfections.
Regardless of where you are on your personal relationship spectrum – single, dating or married – it is never too late to do what it takes to become the “right person”. Your future or present spouse will thank you for it.
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