Sure enough, your brain craves an authentic narrative to make sense of what happened between the two of you, especially if the breakup, disappearance or the pulling away was unexpected. No-one deserves the cruelty and hurt of being happy with someone one day, only to have the stars in their eyes remorselessly snuffed out the next day by the very person they thought they’d forever be with.
You need to know, “why?” Even if no answer will stop the tears or put an end to the pain in that moment, you still deserve answers regardless. And hopefully, your ex affords you enough respect and has enough emotional maturity to have a grown-up conversation with you.
And that’s basically what closure is about: for your ex to be there with answers – the heartbreaker giving the heartbroken a chance to have their curiosity satisfied.
Closure is great because more often than not, it helps people have a firm grasp on reality quicker. But while the idea that you need it before you can move on with your life is a popular one, it’s actually an incredibly overrated one. It's definitely not a do-or-die thing as the popular breakup narrative would have you believe.
Closure, when you’re afforded a respectful, mature and reasonable explanation as to “why”, can be the means to an end but not the end in itself. Having a sit-down with your ex does not mean all will immediately become well with you. You will still have to heal on your own, and find your own peace even after that conversation. Closure can set the healing process in motion, but it does not wipe the journey off your post-breakup to-do list.
Closure is not compulsory to get you to move on from a breakup. With or without closure, your end game should be to heal truly and move on completely. And you can do this without having any post-breakup conversation with your ex, especially if they make themselves scarce for such emotional honesty.
Your ex has a right not to give you any answer
You might think that final talk is what you need, but your ex has to be a willing participant, and that’s not always the case. Everyone has the right to handle a breakup in their own way. If they’re truly done with the relationship, then they don’t owe you a reason or conversation about it, no matter how much you deserve it. You don’t necessarily have a right to what you deserve.
Sometimes it leads to undesirable ends
How a “closure conversation” goes depends on the willingness, emotional maturity and mutual respect of both people involved. Rehashing a bad relationship can easily turn ugly. Instead of getting to the bottom of what went wrong in an objective way, it can turn into a blame game and all-out screaming match. Or, if you do get your answers, you may not necessarily like them, so be careful what you wish for.
You may not get the honest truth anyway
The one way to get closure is true honesty, and that’s hard to come by. Even if the relationship is over, your ex might lie just so they don’t feel like the bad person in the end. And that’s a complete waste of time you don’t need.
Sometimes the best learning comes from within
You’d like to think that your ex can say the magic words that will open your eyes and help you see what you couldn’t before, but sometimes stepping away from a situation and person completely will help you see that on your own. You don’t need anyone else to do that work for you.
Accept that sometimes things just don’t work out
Not everything happens for a reason. There isn’t someone at fault for every broken relationship. Sometimes things just don’t work out, and although that may seem unsatisfying, it’s true. Going over every little detail of the relationship won’t always give you the answers you’ve been looking for.
The idea that you can come to terms with why someone doesn't love you anymore and you be at peace with it, just doesn't happen sometimes. You can choose to accept that they’re gone, forgive, heal, learn and move on without closure. You don't need anyone's permission to do all that.
Actually, the whole concept borders on fraudulence in our view. It's not worth the weight we give it, nor the power that we relinquish to others in its pursuance. You'll never know your worth if you keep investing so much of your energy into someone that thinks you're not worthy.
Closure – when done with mutual respect and maturity – is good and admirable, but you can live without it. You can absolutely heal without it. But to think of it in a different light is to exaggerate its importance.
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