Who of us isn’t guilty of giving someone a strong dose of the silent treatment? Feelings bruised from words spoken or actions taken, we retreat into our silent world, hoping to make our partner pay for the harm they’ve done to us.
When silence, or rather the refusal to engage in a conversation, is used as a control tactic to exert power in a relationship, it becomes the silent treatment. Silent treatment is toxic, unhealthy and abusive. But, if being silent means simply taking time out to think things through and then address the issue again later, that is not at all the same thing.
Silent treatment is a passive-aggressive form of emotional abuse. The partner uses silence to express their displeasure, disapproval and contempt for their spouse.
Silent treatment is frequently used by people who are controlling, inexpressive, emotionally immature, have low emotional intelligence and typically have difficulty in long-term relationships. It is an immature way of hurting your spouse through isolation. Ignoring someone in this manner activates the same area of the brain that is activated by physical pain. Silent treatment is punitive.
Taking time out includes communicating to your spouse what the issue is and that you are requesting there be no discussion about it for a specific time period, preferably less than 24 hours. Taking time out is constructive, time specific, issue specific, mutually agreed upon, helpful to regain composure, allows for seeking support, seeks self-improvement and is solution focused.
The silent treatment, on the other hand, is always destructive, indefinite, contemptuous, disengaged from the relationship, unilateral, selfish, blaming and about the past.
So how do we handle silent treatment in our marriages?
Understand both sides. In some cases, the partner on the receiving end of silent treatment feels rejected and abandoned, while the silent one may feel frustrated, afraid and their silence is a way to protect themselves from more pain.
Think of how you may have contributed to your spouse's reaction. Understand that hurtful actions are usually negative re-actions towards an event or something said or done – or not said or done. Think back of when this behaviour began.
Kill them with kindness. It may be difficult, but don’t grovel for your partner’s attention. Keep in mind that if you pursue them by doing things for them or offering apologies for stuff you don’t know, you are feeding their behaviour.
But balance tough love with compassion. Be nice without buying their attention. Give them space, but make them coffee too. Your consistency and compassionate behaviour would expose their immaturity, and hopefully, they’ll realise the vanity of their behaviour.
However, your motivation shouldn’t be to expose them, but being kind because you’re simply a nice person.
Take care of yourself. Realise that your spouse is choosing to engage in the silent treatment instead of taking responsibility for any part of the issue at hand. You have no control over them. . Don’t let their childish behaviour affect your own peace and happiness.
Set boundaries. When your spouse decides to talk, only accept responsibility for your part in the situation. Using "I" statements rather than saying "you" is usually more effective and less threatening. Challenge them to take responsibility for their part and to never engage in this abusive behaviour again. Let them know that time out is okay, but the silent treatment isn’t.
Get help. At some point, you have to outgrow this behaviour in your marriage. But if it persists, we’d encourage third party intervention. Silent treatment is a form of abuse. You should not allow it to persist in your marriage. Who knows, you may find that your spouse may in fact be in need of professional help for problems deep within themselves.
Many people would much rather be shouted at than ignored. Purposeful silence is one of the most horrific methods of punishment in a relationship.
We’re all created with a need for fellowship, friendship and human interactions. We are, by God's design, socialites. And when a partner decides to cut off this need, they are putting their entire marriage in jeopardy by denying a God-given identity of the other partner, and this isn’t a type of behaviour to be taken lightly.
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