Forget the obvious reasons couples commonly cite for divorce like abuse, finances, poor communication, habitual cheating and others, couples often display behaviours that appear harmless but could affect the marriage negatively in the long run. Like death by a thousand paper cuts, there are more insidious everyday habits that kill marriages too. It’s not always the obvious and majorly bad behaviours that break a marriage, but the subtle and underrated habits. It’s the small foxes that spoil the vine.
It’s the overlooked stuff like developing independent lifestyles, loss of friendship, the silent treatment, over- familiarity with one another, obsession with happiness and bottling up of emotions in the name of keeping the peace that kill marriages. Below we briefly discuss others you should take note of.
Withholding sex as punishment
Withholding sex, except for health reasons or by temporary mutual consent, can force the sexually starved partner to look elsewhere to satisfy their sexual needs. A sexually starved partner is a frustrated partner. And that frustration will chip away from the relationship until there’s nothing left. Don’t use sex as a reward or a weapon. Sex – in an emotionally connected and intimate relationship – is for enjoyment. And is what makes a marriage not to look like a roommate situation.
Threats of divorce
Never threaten to leave someone who isn't afraid of losing you. In fact, you shouldn't be making such threats in the first place, regardless. It's an abusive and controlling behaviour.
Threatening to divorce your spouse and not actually doing it not only creates insecurities in them but you also teach them not to take your words seriously. There may come a time where they will take you at your word and actually leave when you least expect it. Just don’t threaten them with divorce. It doesn’t move the relationship forward. It actually plants seeds of doubt and mistrust.
Not protecting your spouse from your family and friends
Your relatives must never find it easy to gossip about – or speak ill of – your spouse in your presence without you protecting your spouse. That immediately amounts to a broken trust between you as a couple as soon as they find out. In couples where this allegiance is lacking, marital problems swiftly follow. In fact, some of the bitterest disputes occur over one spouse’s failure to support or protect the other.
When there’s conflict between your family and your spouse, don’t feel caught in the middle. Your place is on your spouse’s side no matter what. This is to be the case even if you agree with your folks and disagree with your spouse. Your loyalty has to be undivided in favour of your spouse. To do otherwise is to undermine the trust that is the underpinning of your marriage. You will also slowly erode loyalty in your relationship, and breed insecurities you’ll find hard to undo over time should your spouse question your loyalties.
Loss of physical attraction
This is usually caused by a variety of reasons and is often a reflection of an emotional disconnect and unmet expectations. It may seem shallow to suggest physical attraction and romantic chemistry as important even after years of marriage, but the lack of it typically leads to infidelity, disregard, distance, lack of affection, nitpicking and poor sex life.
Addiction
Addiction to pornography significantly lowers your sex drive in real life, and it does not in any way enhance your marriage. Actually, it achieves the opposite. But so does addiction to just about anything, including a smartphone, social media and alcohol.
Technology is not neutral. It has been manipulated to leverage our brains’ habit-forming tendencies. Positive reaction to your social media updates releases a brain chemical called dopamine. It’s the same chemical release that causes a drug addict to feel good when using drugs and feel the urge to take more.
Prioritising your children over your spouse
Many parents expend the majority of their energy on the kids, leaving little time and interest in their spouse. This lack of interest often leads to alienation and can leave one spouse feeling lonely, abandoned and frustrated. Their attention will be turned somewhere else. And prioritising the kids over your spouse is also what often leads to an empty nest divorce later when the kids have gained independence.
Comparing your spouse
The fastest way to demean, devalue and eventually kill a marriage is to compare your spouse to someone else. When you do so, not only do you fail to appreciate what you have, but you are bound to exaggerate their shortcomings.
Left unchecked, comparisons lead to replacement. And a partner who feels like they are moments from being exchanged for “someone better” is a partner left insecure, undervalued and scorned.
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