We’re raising two late teen girls and a boy. We can safely say that adolescence can be a difficult time for fathers and daughters. It’s general knowledge that teenagers go through an existential crisis before molding their adult personalities. As little girls grow into young women, it can be hard for dads to figure out where and how they fit in. The bond between a father and a daughter should be something very special, unique, pure and strong.
As parents, our roles change over time. When our daughters are young, our job is to protect them physically and emotionally but as they get older, we have to take on more of a consulting role.
It’s an important transition for both parents but one that can be challenging for dads, who often get the message that their primary role is to be “in charge”. That often means to fix problems when they arise and to protect their daughters, especially once dating becomes part of the mix.
Children at that age are vulnerable, easily influenced by their entourage and may have a distorted view of the world. They are often moody, emotional and mainly think in shades of black and white, often without considering any other colours in-between.
As such, we thought of sharing a couple of points about some of the mistakes fathers make in the process of raising teenage daughters.
Treating her like a little girl
Teen girls are closer to being adults than children, meaning they’re probably doing adult things. Dads may not like it but it’s likely happening. At this point in their lives, they probably need a “friend” more than a parent. Embrace the season and build a new type of relationship. Stop trying to fix her problems and let her venture out, fail and conquer.
Expecting blind obedience
In light of the above, you can no longer expect her to always listen to you. Many dads correctly feel like they are losing control but then they try to clamp down on their daughters in an effort to reinforce their authority. But the more they do that, the more teen girls will rebel to free themselves. Things are different now. You have to earn the right to be heard. Get to know her world and learn about the things that excite her. Get to know her likes and dislikes, and never belittle her interests. She’s still a child and needs boundaries but start treating her and talking to her like she’s an adult.
The dating talk
There are times when your input is desired here. But that’s only when they are seeking a male perspective to help them understand a situation. Otherwise, they want no part of telling you how they feel romantically towards another person. This presents a problem because dad is charged with knowing who the daughter is seeing, what the couple is doing, and enforcing the rules of the family. The gritty details of these conversations can quickly become messy, so tread carefully. A teen usually shares those things with her mom, female to female. The stereotypical dad thing of the gun on the porch does not play well, and frankly, is a shallow out. Leave the nonsense to social media memes and bring your dad A-game to the conversation. Your experience is valuable to her if you present it in a calm, understanding, non-threatening way. Remember that your daughter doesn’t know what she doesn’t know and she’s craving independence to make her own decisions.
Menstrual cycle talk
This can be uncomfortable. Many dads are simply unable to navigate this topic. In fact, they themselves find it uncomfortable talking about menstruation with their dads. In our marriage, we count this as Phindi’s territory. However, single dads may not have this option. In that case, be as careful and considerate as possible when broaching the subject. Just understand that almost nothing you say is going to be received well.
Disengaging physically
It can be awkward, as her body starts to change and her emotions are all over the place, to continue to give her hugs and kisses. She may even reject them. However, withholding physical affection sends her the wrong message. This is when she is at her most vulnerable and insecure. And dad’s affection is the affirmation she desperately needs, even if she doesn’t realise it. Don’t allow her irritability, awkwardness, eye rolls and rejection to deter you from continuing to show her affection.
Avoiding being vulnerable
Dads always feel the need to be in control and have all the answers. When a teenage girl’s emotions go into overdrive, many dads try to give a quick word of encouragement or a solution to make everything okay. Or perhaps worse, he always sends her away to talk to her mom. You don’t need to know what to do with her feelings. Just let her feel them and be there to empathise. Share your own emotions and struggles with her. It makes you a safer place for her to open up.
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