It's normal to doubt yourself or your memory every now and again. After all, recollections can be fuzzy over time, especially when you're under stress or running on too little sleep.
But have you ever questioned yourself after an argument with your partner on a point you felt strongly about before the confrontation? You may even second-guess your memory of something you were succinctly clear about just before the argument or feel your partner has downplayed your feelings, causing you to question if you’re overreacting. They turn the story around to make it seem like you are the one at fault, making you feel guilty instead. You may be a victim of gaslighting in your relationship.
Gaslighting is an insidious and sometimes covert type of emotional abuse where the bully or abuser makes you question your judgments and reality. It is literally a manipulative attempt at making another person think they are losing their ability to think, remember and be rational. Ultimately, you start wondering if you’re losing your sanity.
A gaslighting partner will lie and manipulate you to distort your sense of reality. Having your reality questioned has got to be the most damaging thing out there, because our reality and the way we think about the world is kind of all we have. Over time, this controlling tactic can erode your confidence, to the point where you no longer trust your own instincts, judgments and feelings.
Because of its subtle nature, gaslighting can be hard to detect. But there are a few warning signs.
They deny things you’ve said or done
Being forgetful sometimes happens to everybody, but gaslighters take “forgetfulness” to a whole other level.
If your partner begins to call into question things you have said or done by saying they didn’t happen, it’s a sign they may be gaslighting you. Or they will make statements about things you have said or done that you know you didn’t do. You may temporarily ask yourself: “Could this be true?” or “Did I really not say or do that?”
They always need to be right
There's no compromise or win-win solution to a fight with a gaslighter. In relationships, no one likes to be “wrong” during arguments and discussions, but gaslighters in particular cannot be wrong. They always need to be right, and you must come out a loser.
You constantly think there’s something wrong with you
You often wonder if you’re losing it or going crazy. When arguing with your partner, they’ll tell you that, “It’s all in your head”. You don’t feel good enough or you can’t seem to get your partner to understand you or see things from your point of view. You don’t feel your feelings are validated. You also think it’s your fault and that if you tried harder or did better, the state of your relationship would improve.
You question if your feelings are justified
After an argument with your partner, you wonder if you are the one being too sensitive or dramatic. Your partner dismisses your feelings, making you feel like they aren’t warranted or like you can’t keep your emotions in check. They might tell you that “you’re just overreacting” or to “stop making everything such a big deal.”
You make excuses for your partner
Your friends and family aren’t the biggest fans of your partner because of how they treat you as well as their behaviour, and so you feel the need to defend them. You start keeping certain details about your relationship to yourself and hiding things about your partner from the important people in your life. You know your partner’s behaviour would be seen as unacceptable so you’re ashamed to expose the dynamics of your relationship.
You second-guess your recollection of past events
You’re told by your partner that it never happened or that you are misremembering the details. For some reason, your partner’s interpretation of an event does not match yours and it’s making you question just how reliable your own memory is or how justified your reaction is. They might tell you that “You have a selective memory” or claim that you’re “changing the story” and “making things up” to your own benefit.
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