We believe life, short as it is, isn’t meant to be lived in extremes. Balance is always healthy, and no less is it required than in marriage.
When we rely too much on routine, then over-familiarity and boredom set in and we begin to take our partners for granted. On the other hand, when the relationship is mainly characterised by adventure, the focus tends to move away from the relationship into activities and a “what’s next” mentality.
Couples in this extreme often lack planning, live for the moment, and tend to be driven by the thrill and risk more than building a relationship while pursuing the thrill.
However, a healthy marriage is one characterised by balance between routine and adventure. It’s the couple that’s able to master the paradox of our natural need for security versus our other human need for curiosity that has increased chances of happiness in their marriage.
What encourages one extreme tends to discourage the other. We go into marriage seeking the secure attachment that’s built on reliability, stability, predictability, and safety in a partner. But those qualities are the opposite of what fuels romantic desire, which is generally characterised by mystery, novelty, unpredictability, even risk. Actually, boredom is just the reverse side of fascination.
Importance of curiosity
Remember when you and your spouse were first dating? Every fact you gleaned about this new person was a groundbreaking event. You spent hours being curious and asking questions to get to know one another. No piece of information was too small or insignificant.
Sadly, as the years go by, curiosity about our spouses typically wanes. Why? Over time we reach a certain level of familiarity and end up believing, consciously or unconsciously, that we know everything there is to know about them. We also get impatient with one another, cut each other up and even explode at the slightest brush. Although this familiarity can foster comfort and security, it can also lead to boredom.
However, in the same way that we need to regularly update our computer software, we need to constantly update our knowledge about our spouses. Curiosity may have killed the cat, but it will strengthen your marriage. Since your partner is always growing and changing, we need to maintain the mindset of a lifetime learner. A lifetime isn’t long enough to truly get to know someone.
This attitude would remind you of your spouse’s incredible value. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. Thus, your heart is captured by what fascinates you. In turn, this sends a powerful message to your spouse: “You are valuable, and I want to spend a lifetime in pursuit of knowing you deeply.”
Curiosity also speaks to the need for us to unravel mysteries and satisfy the excitement of risky behaviour. Sometimes you need to be adventurous, on the edge, spontaneous, and just let it all hang loose together.
And to do that together as a couple, would strengthen your relationship. This is an important need to satisfy together as a couple, and not leave one partner figuring things out on their own. That could be very dangerous to the relationship.
Importance of security
It’s also important to realise that building a long-lasting and committed relationship in marriage requires stability, as well as the sense of security that comes from routine. Predictability is good for a marriage, and it speaks of reliability, and important trait in a relationship.
Routine is extremely useful in keeping our lives purposeful and organised because routine brings rhythm in the marriage. Routine simplifies life by removing unnecessary decisions. For example, if one of our routines is to go on a date every Friday, then we don’t have to think about it or decide whether we will or won’t go on any given Friday. There’s no decision to make, no deliberation or weighing up pros and cons – we just do it.
Routines in marriage also act as boundaries. For instance, if you friends asked that you go out with them on a Friday, you decline since that day is reserved for your spouse. You don’t commit to activities that clash with standing commitments with your spouse.
However, the danger with any routine is doing it simply because you have to. So it’s important to remember why you’re doing it and to keep the heart and joy in it all. It’s not about being legalistic or old-fashioned, but giving your spouse the time they deserve in order to protect your marriage from anything that could interfere.
Routine, like family rituals, have positive emotional meaning. They connect us with deeper values and with others by providing a focus or activity that enables us to interact together in an enjoyable and meaningful way.
While there is a place in marriage for predictability and consistency, there is also a place for adventure – letting spontaneity and desire reign. Passion is a feeling of being alive, alert and excited in the midst of the unknown.
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