"I don't need a man, I just want one," is a statement we hear a lot more often from women than the inverse of it from men. We've seen a lot of, "a successful relationship is one where you don't need each other, but just want one another". How fractured! This brand of shallow feminism is more than annoying and disappointing at best.
We truly believe this is faulty thinking, and for many, a self-sabotage. Yes, the idea of not needing a man was once an empowering, necessary message in its specific context of financial autonomy and emancipation of women as independent individuals who are equal to men and have their own identity. But now, it’s been generalised into an isolating advice that comes with the steep price tag of abdicating one of the most fundamental, basic human needs: The need for love.
More often than not, the statement communicates a negative emotional baggage:
• Either a hurt or bad experiences in previous romantic life.
• A conclusion made through observing other people's relationships (friends, family etc.).
• Simply someone we believe is educated wrongly about committed relationships.
If a woman declares her need for work, close friendships, creative pursuits, money, sex, more sleep, adventure, etc, she can expect to receive support. It’s okay to honour your needs for all the aforementioned endeavours.
In fact, not just okay, but essential to your holistic health. If you neglected one of these needs, like work for example, it goes without saying that you’d likely be less happy and you’d probably walk around with a chronic sense that something is missing.
But if a woman declares her need for a man and says that until she finds the right relationship, she’s likely going to be less happy and will probably have a chronic feeling that something is missing from her life: She might be encouraged to take some alone time and learn how to make herself happy.
The message is clear: It’s okay to feel a void if you don’t have a job you love, but it’s not okay to feel a void if you don’t have a man you love. Because independent, successful women shouldn’t need men, right?
This myopic view of independence pathologises romantic love for women generally. The pathology is internalised, leaving so many women thinking there’s something wrong with them for feeling like they need to give and receive love.
Of course, not every woman needs deep, committed intimacy and romantic partnership, but for the majority that do, feeling balanced can be a tremendous struggle.
Needing someone for purposes of romantic love doesn't make you a weaker person or subtract from who you are as a complete, fulfilled and happy individual. It also doesn't mean you can't live your life on your own without ever having someone and be totally happy.
Actually, it makes you human. You are naturally a relational being and it's part of your human make-up to romantically attract and be attracted to other human beings and instinctively desire a lifetime commitment with at least one person. It is not good for you to be alone.
You need your legs, but you can survive without them. You can have prosthetic legs or be in a wheelchair, and life will go on. Similarly, the fact that you can survive without a man in your life doesn't mean you don't need one. Needing a person in your life doesn't mean you can't get along in life without them. I want my spouse to need me. I want for them to know I need them. That doesn't diminish our value.
Repeating that you don't need a man, but you just want one is a sure way of running them away from you. Needing a man is not a sign of incompleteness, lack of self-confidence, or that you can't live without one. It doesn't define you. And we get that you aren't desperate to be partnered up. Actually, desperation is a sign of unpreparedness to be partnered up.
But who wants to be where they're not needed – but only just "wanted" and are an option of sorts that could be tossed away anytime?
Finally, in a traditional sense, marriage is based on the fundamental truth that men and women are complementary, the biological fact that reproduction depends on a man and a woman, and the objective reality that children need a mother and a father.
Men and women are the natural source of children which allows for human development and population growth. Parenting and co-parenting needs the healthy contribution and presence of both the mother and father in order to have a balanced child. Two mothers with the best of intentions, can never replace the father’s love. We need each other.
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