One relationship that pride shows up in more than any other is in marriage. Pride is the antidote of humility.
In our work with couples – and in our own marriage – the root of most marital challenges is found in the struggle with an over-estimation of ourselves. It’s pride, the inordinate self-esteem that prevents you from seeking help when necessary, and it goes before the fall.
Pride creates dissonance between couples. When we pretend we are perfect, even though we know the truth of our fallibility and that we don’t have it all together, we make it hard for intimacy to flourish in our marriages.
Pride doesn’t allow you to talk about your struggles, work out problems, or connect through brokenness. It also whispers in your ears that you’re right (and they are wrong), and that you know everything. Two prideful people in a marriage just end up being two lonely and unhappy individuals.
One of the dark sides of pride is that it sows the seed for the weeds of conflict to take root and spread through a marriage. If pride is left unchecked, it can eventually lead to an absolute loss of intimacy, communication and connection between a husband and wife. Ultimately its tendrils can choke the life out of a marriage and cause the end of it.
Humility, however, means accepting the truth that you don’t always have to be in control, you are not always right, and that your spouse has something to offer – if you’ll let them. Putting your spouse before yourself in an act of unselfishness is the epitome of humility. Humility is not thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself lesser.
Humility is not only having the confidence to acknowledge when you do not know and be willing to learn, but it is also the courage to open yourself up to receiving advice and learn from your spouse and others. Understanding that there are times when others know more than you do about anything is the epitome of humility. And that is a bedrock of building intimacy.
You show humility by:
• letting go of thinking you need to display an appearance of perfection;
• acknowledging, at least to yourself, both your shortcomings and strengths;
• making space for your spouse to express themselves by listening thoughtfully;
• setting aside your judgments by being curious, not critical, when your spouse’s opinions differ from yours;
• admitting, not only when you’re wrong, but also when you have a problem that needs attention;
• validating your spouse’s feelings by not minimising their emotions and what they go through;
• asking questions for clarity and education, and not assume you know what your spouse is talking about when you actually don’t;
• acknowledging when you’re wrong, apologise without being asked and actively seek forgiveness.
Furthermore, accept criticism with poise. When your spouse offers constructive criticism on something, it should provide enlightenment by highlighting shortcomings that’ll help you fix them.
Although your marriage shouldn’t be characterised by criticism, when it’s offered on occasion, it can make you a better person. Instead of being upset when you receive it, consider the value it provides. Listen to the criticism and reflect on the truth within the statement.
Embrace your humanity. Along with accepting constructive criticism, learn to admit your faults. Accept your shortcomings and admit mistakes. No-one is perfect, and you are not an exception. Having a humble attitude means understanding that you have flaws like everyone else.
And while trying new things is imperative to personal success, failure is just as critical. Without failure or faults, we have nothing to strive for in life. Not getting everything right or something not going as planned is understood as part of the experience of being human. Accept your shortcomings and use them to your benefit and create a brighter future.
Seek gratitude and practice expressing it. Seeking gratitude requires us to take the time to reflect on much of what we take for granted. It requires us to shift our focus from what we lack to what we already have. Expressing gratitude is vulnerable and humbling – it opposes ego and pride.
Listen curiously and non-judgmentally. This sounds easier than it actually is, as it requires conscious awareness of emerging judgments and an intentional effort to redirect attention back to listening rather than judging and problem-solving.
As we sincerely make the effort to truly listen to others, we will eventually see ourselves in them, and more deeply embrace our humanness as we embrace the humanness of others.
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