Perhaps the easiest and one of the most cowardly things to do in marriage is to find your partner's faults, dwell on them, and criticise him/her for even the smallest imperfections – to the point of forgetting your own.
By imperfections, we're not talking about cheating or abuse of any kind. Those are not weaknesses or imperfections. They are disrespectful behaviour that must be rejected and appropriately dealt with outright.
But many people are later weighed down with regret and loneliness for throwing away a good thing because they failed to recognise, accept and appreciate it while it was at their disposal.
Their all-or-nothing thought process weighed their partners down with criticisms, and found wrongs in almost everything they do. Things are seldom done right, unless you do them yourself. Even then, you become a lot more gracious to your own faults.
When you take your spouse for granted, you run the risk of not only forgetting the blessing of marriage, but you entertain the thought that you could be better off alone.
Here are some suggestions of how you could appreciate and value your spouse.
Prioritise your partner and marriage
No matter how busy life gets, no activity or responsibility should be more important than your marriage and the person you love. None!
Be careful of your words
A partner that feels always criticised is ultra-sensitive. Even constructive criticism can turn sour. A person whose character, personality, self-esteem or ways of doing things is always hammered will pay extra attention to not just what is said, but also how it’s said.
Major on your spouse’s love language
Knowing one another’s love languages can help you determine the best way to show each other appreciation in a way that is personal and that matters most. For example, if your partner appreciates words of affirmation but you are showing it in a more physical way, like hugs and touches, it won’t resonate as much with them as it would if you told them specifically how much you love them or how much they mean to you, or wrote it down.
Small gestures every day
Find a way to pause and acknowledge your spouse in some way in your day, every day – even if it’s just as simple as saying hello and goodbye when they walk in and out of the door. A phone call or text isn’t bad either. One of the tenets of gratitude is acknowledging that something or someone really matters to you, and one of the best ways to do that is through little gestures, like kissing them hello and goodbye, saying good morning and good night, and even just pausing to chat when they walk in the door. Those little moments ultimately add up to the big thing: showing your partner that you genuinely care that they are in your life.
Attitude of thankfulness
When you make a conscious and deliberate mental switch from being critical to being appreciative, your marriage will change. Guaranteed! Once you start being thankful for the little or big things, your thankfulness might just start to multiply. Gratitude is a catalyst for abundance.
Public acknowledgment
Expressing gratitude and doing acts of kindness for your spouse in private can communicate love and affection in unique ways. However, public acknowledgment of your spouse can create a whole new sense of appreciation.
A partner who openly recognises and praises their spouse in front of others is making a statement with witnesses, often strengthening the sincerity of thankfulness. It often means more to the recipient if the statement is made without fear of who may be listening, but not for grandstanding. Spouse appreciation, sometimes bordering on unqualified praise, is all that is needed to infuse vigour and strength in your relationship.
We truly believe it is to your personal benefit to accept and appreciate your partner, imperfect as they are. Stop sweating the small stuff, and just enjoy life and your spouse. Focus on their good rather than their insignificant shortcomings. Your growth – and maturity in character – is connected to your spouse's imperfections.
But if you continue to fault-find and criticise them even for the smallest of things, you won't only literally lose them eventually, but you'll first lose the relationship (friendship, connection, attraction) even while you share the same bed.
Because they can only take so much of your criticisms and general negativity, you’ll be unhappy and your marriage will be characterised by conflicts and an overdose of silent treatment. And this will be all because you choose to take a red marker and magnify even the smallest dots, instead of accepting and embracing the person in your life.
Remember that, when you chose your spouse, you inevitably chose a particular set of unsolvable problems that you'll be grappling with for the next 10, 20 or 50 years. Not all marital conflicts are meant to be resolved. Some are just meant to be managed. You’ll weigh yourself down with frustration when you try to solve unsolvable problems.
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