A friend of ours recently invited us to form part of a focus group to assist in her thesis for her doctoral studies. The theme was broadly around the effects of pornography in marital intimacy.
One of the focus group members, a neuro-psychologist, made an input around the brain functioning of a person that’s addicted. We’ll expound on it later.
However, first we’d like to address one of the most popular myths aimed at making porn a normal behaviour in marriage. And for those using porn, there’s a natural desire to justify their behaviour and overlook the negative impacts it’s having on their marriages. Here it is:
Myth: Porn will spice up our sex life
Porn’s impact on marriage is anything but sexy. In reality, porn makes you think that what you see on the screen can and should happen in the bedroom too. This is an unrealistic expectation to fulfill, and trying to make it happen may lead you down harmful paths you never thought you’d go.
The lust in porn is of a totally different substance than the sex God designed within marriage. Porn is a smorgasbord of unlimited, perfectly-shaped bodies who have no problems and who "want" you. Your spouse is not going to be a smorgasbord. They are one unique and imperfect person. They probably don’t have a perfect body and have problems. And they will not "want you" every day. In other words: they are a human being.
Furthermore, many partners who regularly watch porn develop porn-induced erectile dysfunction, meaning they can get an erection to porn, but not their spouse. So much for spicing up your sex life.
Others believe if “my spouse were available, sexy enough, and or adventurous enough, I wouldn’t be struggling with porn”.
All of these are lies. The truth is, your struggle with porn use has nothing to do with your spouse. And the science behind porn use shows that it’s very addictive and has little to do with all the “not enoughs” or “too muchs” above.
The primary issue at stake here is viewing marriage as a transaction that is focused on “taking” instead of “giving”. If you entered marriage with the primary objective of “taking” something from your spouse in order to fix your brokenness, then you’ll have a fractured relationship with your spouse.
It’s not so much about your spouse’s non-availability, but more about your lack of self-control and failure to negotiate with your spouse to reach middle ground where your physical intimacy is concerned. Oh! It’s also about your perverted mind, by the way.
How porn affects your brain
According to the neuro-psychologist referred to above, porn physically changes your brain scans to look like those of drug addicts. Just like other addictive substances, porn fills the brain with dopamine.
Dopamine is the same neurotransmitter that makes you feel good when you’re rewarded for an achievement, or when you get a pat on the back for a job well-done, or when you get likes and positive comments on your social media update. Dopamine is a motivator.
It's what makes you want to do it again. Porn-induced orgasms release dopamine, and dopamine wires you to want to do it again, and again. And the more you view it, the more desensitised you become.
And here’s a scary part: the more porn you view, the more severe the damage to your brain, and the more difficult it is to break free.
Your brain can't tell the difference between porn and having sex. Of course, you can, but your brain can't. So the same mechanics that happen when you have sex with your spouse, happen when you watch porn. This is very important.
When you watch porn, the part of your brain that's responsible for logical thinking and rational decision-making shuts down. Although you always have the option to shut it down, you don’t, because you aren't thinking logically.
Furthermore, there's a little difference between porn and some addictions. Most alcoholics want more and more alcohol. But porn addicts don’t just want more porn, they want different porn.
What was once exciting and arousing, no longer satisfies them, and they look for harder and harder core porn. That’s why porn is so addictive, and never satisfies. Often, porn users venture into progressively perverse content, which is why porn is linked to violence, crime and even abusive towards your spouse.
And your porn-induced orgasms will cause you to develop an emotional attachment to porn. Your brain literally thinks you're in a relationship with those porn stars. That's why when you're stressed, anxious, depressed, you watch porn.
You turn to your "relationship" for comfort. Not only does this make it harder to break your porn addiction, because you're "breaking up" with your emotional safe haven, it makes it harder to connect with the real human in your life because of your emotional connection to porn.
You are literally picking one over the other. And every time you watch porn, you are forcing your brain to choose porn over your spouse – even if you don't want to.
Porn is not your friend. Don’t embrace it. It’s a stranglehold. It’s deadly, not just for you but your marriage too. It will leave you with a false sense of connection.
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