One of the most disturbing thoughts about that Will Smith’s clap of Chris Rock at the recent Academy Awards was how divided the opinions are to two clear sides about the incident.
There are people admiring Smith for “defending” his wife, Jada Pinkett-Smith, while others are scolding him for his violent behaviour – even following a joke that poked fun at his wife’s health condition.
We also hold a strong view on the issue. Standing up for your spouse in public is a good thing. However, the argument that Smith hit Rock to protect his wife from maliciousness, is generally an attempt to serve as justification for a behaviour that should never be considered appropriate. We cannot let violence be the final arbiter of what is right.
And, even after his social media apology to Rock, it’s saddening that Smith’s male bravado and sense of “ownership” over his wife cast such a dark shadow over what should’ve been a joyous night. Normalising violence will not protect anyone, and definitely not women, including Pinkett-Smith.
And with so many options available to anyone in that position, choosing violence to protect your wife from someone who’s non-violent is more a bad reflection – and quite revealing – on you than it is on the person you classify as the aggressor. And sure, many of us have no clue how we would have reacted had we been in his shoes at that moment.
Smith made his choice though, and capped it with, "Love will make you do crazy things". And we thought, if every domestic violence case in this misogynistic and femicide-infested society of ours isn't resolved with that one line, then we have a problem.
Being head over heels in love with your woman shouldn't lead to Will Smith-ism – smacking or punching people that hurl insults at your wife, especially in a comedy setting. This is a dangerous posture that is generally spread by manosphere, and which, in our view, teaches men to be inauthentic and perpetuates toxic masculinity.
Much as we dream of a society where women shouldn’t need protection from men, even in a society like ours, Will Smith’s desire to stand up for his wife raises the question: What’s the best way to defend your spouse without ultimately exposing them to further danger?
Ask your partner
It’s one thing to act on the impulse, and in a difference circumstance, end up compromising your relationship and exposing your spouse to more danger. It’s another thing to simply talk to your spouse.
Have a proper and serious conversation on how they would want you to stand up for them in public. Again, it’s possible to engage in actions that would ultimately leave your spouse exposed and vulnerable believing that you were protecting them.
Boundaries-setting
If you know that some people can hurt your spouse, it is best to set boundaries. Be it your kids, friends, cousins, parents and even neighbours. Draw that line. You cannot control people, but you can make changes in the kind of people you hang out with. In case of your children, a crisp red line is important.
And in the case of comedy though, simply don’t attend one if you’re that sensitive. But if you happen to be at the event, part of boundary-setting is to simply stand-up and leave in protest.
You may also talk to the event owner or the person that invited you as a way of registering your discontent, if you’re not familiar with the comedian. You may inbox or direct-message them too.
No need for aggression unless the situation compels you as in self-defence because there is no other way to deal with it, there is no need to get violent. You cannot control someone’s mouth.
Tell the person later that they’ve hurt your spouse and it was offensive. Where possible, get them apologize publicly. If you become violent for defending your spouse against a non-violent person, it is still you who will come out a loser.
Stand by your spouse
This means unwavering loyalty to your spouse even when your spouse is on the wrong. It’s important that your spouse knows, unquestionably, that you will be there for them when it matters regardless of the circumstances. You may have differences of opinion on the matter, but you should choose to discuss those differences in private. But publicly, stand by one another.
Never correct your spouse in public
Don’t always have a marker or contradict what they say. It demeans them. If they’re not telling a story the way you would, so what? Look for opportunities to honour and help them save face in public, rather than wanting to feed your hunger for correctness. Give them space. See, you teach people how to treat your spouse by how you treat them (your spouse) in public.
If you correct them in front of everyone, you are not only humiliating them, you are also degrading your own impression in public. Have your spouse's back. Again, protect in public and correct in private.
Maintain a united front
Display a united front with children, extended family members, friends and when in public. Do this, not because you’re being pretentious, but because of your single mindedness to support one another and close ranks.
People, especially children, are great at finding cracks to divide you as a couple. Remember that a house divided against itself shall not stand.
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