At some point in life, everyone is a victim of a lie. And in marriage, you’ve either been told a lie, or were a source of a lie, whether in the form of half-truth, hiding important information, withholding some facts on a particular issue from your spouse, or told just a plain good-old white lie.
A white lie is when you’d say, “I’m fine”, when you’re actually not; or glowingly compliment an unwanted gift from your spouse in the name of being nice. Or it could be as serious as not revealing the entirety of your conversation with your relative about your spouse; or being dishonest about your past; or unplanned spending you conceal from your spouse. The truth is that lies and dishonesty affects the trust element of relationships.
Deception includes making ambiguous or vague statements, manipulating information through emphasis, exaggeration, or minimisation, and withholding feelings or information that is important to someone who has a right to know. It affects the relationship and deprives the other person of freedom of choice and informed action. At some point, you have to face the possible reality that your spouse isn’t lying to you to protect you from getting hurt. They’re quite likely lying to you because they’re afraid that the truth will provoke you to make choices that aren’t in their best interest.
So how does lying affect your marriage?
Destroys trust
Trust is the basis of good and positive communication. If there is no trust, your spouse may not listen to or take heed to anything you say seriously. When you tell a serious lie, your spouse feels hurt and betrayed, and a process of withdrawal begin. From thereon, your spouse is likely to question everything you say. Some may focus on just getting away from the pain.
Kills intimacy
Intimacy is built on total transparency and authenticity. This speaks to your ability to be vulnerable or “naked”, not only physically but also emotionally. Lies and dishonesty directly work against the process of cultivating intimacy. As a partner, no one truly wants to be intimate with someone they know is a liar.
Lying portrays selfishness
When a person lies, they are most likely thinking about themselves. It may seem they are doing it for other reasons and maybe even to protect another person. Some circumstances might seem selfless, but if you dig enough, you will realise that their actions are selfish. Selfishness is not a loving action.
Prevents deeper, empowering conversation
When you know you’re married to someone with lying tendencies, your conversation will mostly be on the surface level. And because they won’t easily trust you, they would want to verify most of everything you have to say. Importantly, your conversations aren’t taken seriously most of the time – even when your spouse looks attentive.
Lying leads to more lying and deception
Once a lie is formed and emitted, a cover up begins so as to not get caught. Lies lead to cover-up lies and omissions that can be hard to remember. These mount up, and if the truth comes out, it may be more hurtful than the original secret. The longer the truth is hidden, the greater becomes the hurdle of revelation, for it will bring into question every instance of cover-up and all times your spouse relied upon and trusted you.
Dishonesty leads to avoidance
Closeness and certain topics tend to be avoided when lies and dishonesty abound in your marriage. Avoidance may not even be conscious and can include things like being preoccupied with work, friends, hobbies, or addictive behavior, and doing activities that leave little opportunity for private conversations. You might even provoke an argument just to create distance.
Dishonesty can be extremely painful, extending healing time
One of the consequences of lying to your partner is that they will feel hurt. The depth of the hurt depends on the type of lie, what the lie was about, the length of time the lie has been covered up, and whether the lie is dealing with a sensitive subject, ie, sex, finances, family etc.
When lying is found out, multiple issues arise. It feels like you can’t trust your partner anymore. It also feels like the deepest parts of you were abused and not taken care of.
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