More than a third of income-generating women in SA out-earn their partners. While this is mainly credited to women economic empowerment and employment equity laws, it’s not surprising when you consider other factors.
While a huge percentage of men languish in jail, liquor stores and dropping out of school, about an equal proportion of women find means for self-empowerment to live. More women in SA pass matric and graduate with university degrees every year than men.
More women choose careers that only a few years ago were the territory of men in every sector, and with this, better jobs and better money have become available to them.
In small businesses, women have risen to the challenge in almost every sector, including construction with big government tenders, catering, agricultural services, marketing and promotions as well as advertising and events. And again, with the equity laws, it’s inevitable that more women out-earn their partners.
This reality affects many homes. Generally, men in our society aren’t always ready to relinquish their traditional breadwinner status with grace. An abundance of studies show men in marriages where the woman earns more are more likely to cheat, become substance abusers, perpetuate sexual dysfunction at home, suffer from low self-esteem and more likely to get divorced.
The more traditional a man’s idea of marriage and family is, the more likely he will be uncomfortable if his wife out-earned him. But even guys who are more egalitarian in their approach to life may get uncomfortable when confronted with the reality of being out-earned by their partners.
If you are the first couple in your family’s history in which the woman out-earns the man, here are some tips to give you a hand:
Whose money is it anyway? This is a game-changer. When you’re married, irrespective of your marriage regime, no one partner should be an exclusive owner of anything as long as you’re married. You should both have a say on each other’s income as a family. You should both be accountable to one another about where each of your income goes, and how whatever is left should be used.
Keep in mind that the workload, not your spouse, is the problem. The most important attitude for a couple to maintain in this situation is that they are in it together. The problem is trying to manage the crushing load of two jobs, two kids, and a mountain of laundry. The problem is not who is making what salary. Work together to figure out what needs to get done each week to keep the children safe and happy and the household orderly and running smoothly. Get beyond what each of you thinks the other should be doing and focus on how you both will get everything done in a way that is fair to everyone.
Keep money out of chore talk. It doesn’t matter if one partner is making R450,000 per annum and the other is making R950,000 per business contract. You are both working and you are both putting in 40-plus hours each week to get your salaries. Hopefully, you are both doing something that matters to you. Probably neither one has more free time than the other.
Keep talking. These problems don’t get resolved in a single conversation. Nor can you assume that the distribution of household chores, money, and decision-making power will just work itself out on its own. These issues are fraught with emotion.
Each partner is consciously dealing with old role models, their own and their parents’ expectations for what it means to be successful, and their own and generations’ worth of opinions about what it means to be a real man or a real woman. This isn’t easy stuff. And it often comes out in frankly weird ways.
You may think you are only talking about who is going to stay home with Junior, who has chickenpox. But if the discussion gets heated, it becomes a forum for who is the better parent, who cares more, who has the less important job, or who is indispensable at work. Take a deep breath and try to own up to those more complicated feelings. Partners need to be friends who provide comfort and support as they both explore such deep and emotional territory.
Talk about financial decision-making. In prior generations, moneymaking dictated who would make financial decisions. You need to discuss how financial decisions will be made, preferably when there is no pressing decision on the table. Talk about how decisions were made in your own family of origin and how such an approach would work or not work given your circumstances.
Don’t hesitate to get professional help. It is indeed very sad when money issues erode what is otherwise a good relationship. Good marriages are certainly hard enough to find. Know that the issues around money and power are old and deep for most people.
If you find yourselves getting into repeated and heated arguments about money, decisions, and household tasks, don’t jump to the conclusion that the problem is your spouse. You may need an objective person to help you sort out the feelings, attitudes, and behaviours that you each bring to the situation. A good therapist can help you get back on the same team.
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