One of the most common statements we’ve heard, all too often in our engagements with especially young couples, is: “There’s no more chemistry between us. I don’t think we’re a good fit.”
It’s so much easier said than taking a look in the mirror and figuring out why this person you once loved, adored and actually liked, is now more of a turn-off than the turn-on they used to be.
Romantic chemistry is often described as a “spark” felt between two people upon first meeting. While sexual chemistry is an initiator, emotional and intellectual connections make for longer-lasting relationships, though they can’t be relied upon themselves.
Falling in love is perhaps nature’s greatest high. Just seeing your beloved can make your heart race, your legs weak and your face flushed. Touch them, and well…
Movies try to convince us we’ll feel this way forever, but the reality is that intense romance has an expiration date for everyone. Romance will never last for a lifetime. You have to accept falling in love is just a phase that’s going to go away. If we can accept that, we'll have fewer divorces and more happy people.
It's normal and natural for romantic relationships to start out fiery and passionate, then slowly transition into warmth and stability. This is due to many factors, ranging from how attraction and bonding hormones in our bodies change over time, to the instinctive nesting habits that have kept us flourishing as a species.
Fact is, no long-term relationship can maintain the initial chemistry that brought two people together. And that's OK.
But, sometimes couples experience what feels like an even bigger issue than that: A lack of chemistry significant enough to lead them to wonder if they should stay in the marriage.
Here are some possible reasons why:
Resentment. Harbouring ill-will or anger against someone you feel has wronged or hurt you in the past will poison your present.
Lack of gratitude. Focus on what your spouse is actually doing right, rather than magnifying their wrongs. It seems that expressing gratitude is linked to the release of oxytocin, sometimes called the “love hormone”, which is perhaps why when giving and receiving genuine appreciation, you’d feel more loving and caring towards your spouse. Appreciation brings love, connection and desire right back where it belongs – in your heart.
Neglect. Unless you make an effort, you will drift apart. Conversation, shared activities, and physical intimacy can easily take a back-burner position in light of all the “important” things. So goes the prioritisation of your spouse, so goes attraction.
Attachment issues. If you don't believe you’re worthy of love, kindness, or true appreciation, you’ll push away your partners' attempts at getting close. And after multiple attempts, they may just give up. Now you’re both stuck.
You're being a jerk. If you are being selfish, nasty, critical or just a jerk, then you’re repelling your partner. Then you’ll claim, “We’ve just grown apart”. Work on your character, and watch your marriage blossom.
No mission. Marriage isn't just a monogamous living arrangement where you eat, sleep, pay the bills, raise children and do your house chores until death do you part. Without a shared purpose, your love loses steam. You need to both be working together towards something – family, charity, God – that will give meaning to your life and love.
Lack of kindness. Kindness is an essential virtue in a healthy and happy marriage. Marriages are strengthened when both members of the couple treat each other kindly: with love and understanding, and with dignity and respect.
Dead bedroom. Yes, this is often a symptom of disconnection, but it is a cause as well. Make time to make love. Initiate. Put effort into your bedroom time. Physical intimacy begets emotional intimacy, in and out of the bedroom. If your sex life died a long time ago, you can resuscitate it by scheduling it until the situation is better.
Negativity. Criticism, negativity, and blame will destroy vulnerability and honesty. Criticising your spouse is different to voicing a complaint. The latter is about specific issues, whereas the former is an ad hominem attack at the core of your spouse’s character. There’s never good reason to put down your spouse, ever. Learn to express your needs and feelings without criticising.
You have an amazing partner. You fell in love with your spouse for a reason. In most cases, those reasons are still there. Get back in touch with why you loved them – their values, sense of humour, physique, loyalty and work ethic.
When your spouse is your hero, your heart will follow.
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