Forget what you’ve read somewhere, there’s no way to “divorce-proof” marriage. The advice is as misguided as it is ignorant.
Ultimately, a couple is made up of two grown people whose individual uniqueness and fallible natures make them highly unpredictable. Add to it the fact that they’re coming from completely different backgrounds. No matter how dedicated and attentive one partner may be, if the other no longer wants to be married, it will end.
Marriage is about our individual convictions to commit and devote ourselves to the vows we made to one another. Doing our part individually to enhance a healthy relationship is really what ensures that a marriage goes the distance. Furthermore, an ability to genuinely communicate beliefs, goals and thoughts maximises your chances of success in marriage.
Healthy marriages are formed on the strong foundation of common purpose, shared values and similar maturity levels.
After you’ve established your compatibility in these three areas – mission and life goals, personal values, as well as your character and maturity levels – there are a few unromantic discussions we propose that you have.
Finances
This is one thing no-one wants to talk about because it seems so crass, unromantic, and maybe even shallow. Most of us are socialised into believing that one's finances are personal and never shared. However, disagreement over finances puts money in the top five reasons for divorces in SA.
You may have noticed that your partner has a different attitude towards money than you do. He might be more cautious or spendthrift than she is; or she might seem a bit careless and more in debt than he thinks is healthy. All of that becomes a joint issue after you’re married.
We recommend talking about money, especially such topics as debts, spending and savings, management of bank accounts, financial goals, borrowing and lending as well as retirement.
Conflict resolution
In marriage, it’s not whether or not you’ll bump heads, but how you do so and how you move forward as a team that matters. When you choose a marriage partner, you’re actually choosing someone you can have healthy conflict management with.
One of the most telling moments in any marriage is how conflicts are managed at any given time. Sarcasm, silent treatment, screaming, sulking, banging stuff in frustration and controlling are six of the most immature behaviours a spouse can display, yet hope to still resolve issues. They are unhelpful and often self-sabotaging behaviours.
It’s critical to have a conscious conversation around maintaining self-discipline when you have clashing of views.
Personality vs character
While your partner’s character is negotiable, personality is non-negotiable. A person’s personality refers to a combination of characteristics or qualities that form their distinctive nature. It’s what they can’t change about who they are naturally. When a person is either sanguine, choleric, melancholic or phlegmatic, there’s really nothing you should do to change them.
Character, on the other hand, is a result of learnt behaviours that consists of a set of moral qualities and beliefs a person holds different from others. It’s what makes them liars or honest; cheats or respectful; thieves or persons of integrity etc.
When you marry someone, you don’t marry their personality, but you do marry their character. You don’t marry their quiet nature, for instance, but you marry their integrity or lack thereof. If their moral qualities result in immature behaviour, it’s to your advantage to talk about such openly.
Upbringing
This is especially important if your childhood was less than perfect. People tend to shy away from these discussions for many reasons, but they are an important part of understanding why your partner is the way they are.
If you’ve noticed that your readings of people’s reactions or emotional situations are different, the answer may lie in your different attachment styles, which are a function of childhood.
Raising children
Because we think about marriage in terms of romance, we often don’t focus on what kind of a mother or father the partner we’ve chosen for ourselves, that person who thrills us, might make. Disagreements about raising kids are also a leading cause of divorce. This talk should ideally follow your discussion about childhood.
Remember that when you choose a marriage partner, you also choose the father or mother to your children.
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