You must have heard the myth: “compromise is key to a successful marriage”, or that “marriage is all about compromise”.
Actually, one online article we came across reads, “Compromise – no matter how difficult – is a necessary part of any successful, enduring marriage.” The idea being, once we’re married we need to get used to making concessions – no matter how deep our beliefs and convictions are on the given issue – to settle our different perspectives.
We emphatically disagree. Compromise is practical, but it is not a marriage-builder. It isn’t a demonstration of unconditional love. And we further argue that not only is compromise not a recipe for success in marriage, but it is exactly why many marriages fail; why many partners lose themselves in marriage; and why others get lonely in their marriages. It can be very emotionally abusive.
Indeed we are all very different, and conflict often occurs because of these differences. That we’re unique is not going to change.
However, honouring differences and learning to explore what’s important to each other is part of what makes a marriage so rich, exciting, and surprising. It’s also how we achieve spiritual oneness – the fact that we can pursue unity in our diversity. And that's what makes compromise so unappealing.
Furthermore… it’s lazy.
It doesn’t require a lot of effort to give in on an issue or demand that your spouse gives way. The delusion here is that if you sacrifice what you want in exchange for your partner’s happiness, then you’ll be happy too. Essentially though, it’s a cheat code for getting out of a tough conversation. Compromise is less about you finding happiness and more about you avoiding the work.
It leads to resentment
You have ideals and goals for your life. Marriage isn’t about quashing your dreams in favour of your spouse’s. When you give up what you want for the sole purpose of putting a negotiation to bed, you’re planting a seed of frustration, loss of self and resentment. It may not be apparent at first, but it’ll become a serious issue over time.
You both lose
The resultant resentment will affect both of you, not just the person that yielded. Even if you get your way, your spouse may act out in a variety of ways that put the health of your marriage at risk. If both of you meet in the middle as a compromise without doing the work, then you may have a haphazard solution that doesn’t serve either of you.
In addition
When you approach an issue expecting to compromise, you'll walk away a loser almost every time. It’s a demonstration of shallowness of belief to your point, and lack of persuasive skills to show your spouse why your point is beneficial to the marriage. Also when you expect to compromise, you rarely use your imagination or go after what makes you happy in the relationship. Nor do you ever reach a real understanding of each other and unearth what your spouse truly values or what is underneath a need, desire or goal.
When you already believe that a marriage is just about keeping the peace or that there is no way for both of you to be happy, then compromise will be a part of your lives. You’ll also believe you married wrong person – since you never quite agree on anything. Or that marriage is never about living your best life as you’ve envisioned it. Why would anyone want to be in a marriage where they have to give up their dreams, desires and happiness?
Marriage is more about negotiation and cooperation; compromise means everybody gives up something. The idea is that people learn to sacrifice something, to take turns or meet in the middle to secure peace. Compromise places value on asserting our own individual preferences rather than our marriage. It keeps us focused on ourselves as individuals with the goal of being the “winner”. Either that, or we should both lose.
Find the middle-ground, which can mean for example, if one likes yellow painted walls and the other likes blue, then you should settle for green – except that none of you actually likes green. But you have to compromise, otherwise you won’t have a successful marriage, right?
The danger of a marriage that is centered around compromise is the inevitable weaving of selfishness into the paradigm.
Your path to a healthy and successful marriage should be lined by open communication, creative solutions, and a growth mindset. That’s where you need to put in the work.
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