Growing apart, one of the most cited reasons for divorce, is never quick. It happens slowly, over a period of time. And it doesn’t happen to a couple without their permission.
Growing apart, or growing separately, is a state of disconnectedness from your spouse that is as a result of you not prioritising one another and living separate lives where it’s each to his/her own. You could be sharing the same house, even the same bed, but be kilometres apart and neither of you is truly privy to what the other is up to. Eventually, you literally become strangers.
That’s a very sad state of affairs in a marriage. It’s a state of loneliness where your life is preoccupied by everything and or everyone else, but one another. Even when it feels like your life is full — with the kids, work, studies, relatives and friends or even church — if your life excludes emotional connectedness to your spouse, it’s a ticking time bomb.
How do you grow apart?
It’s often through the small everyday decisions you make or the fact that you stop doing little things like showing appreciation for one another.
Growing apart happens when life gets busy, family conflicts, work obligations, health issues, inability to balance friends with your spouse, etc.
When you have individual responsibilities and commitments that pull you in different directions, you are sowing seeds of separate growth in your marriage.
When you won’t take deliberate interest in each other’s likes, preferences, interests, passions and goals, you are sowing seeds of separate growth in your marriage.
When you reject your spouse’s advances. When you constantly give them a cold shoulder for whatever reason to the point of them giving up, they’ll drift away and pursue other means outside you.
Without realising it, these forces can start to put you on differing paths, often to the point where you feel disconnected from each other. And when your spouse doesn’t feel prioritised, they’d feel undervalued. And their fears and insecurities in the relationship will cause them to go into a shell as a defence mechanism. They’d build walls against you, and turn to other things or people for the attention they’re supposed to get from you.
Though the signs of distance being created between you two aren’t always noticeable, there are plenty of things you should look out for.
Non-verbal cues like lack of touch and affection, lack of eye-contact, as well as disregard for one another’s feelings, ie lack of empathy, are small but significant signs. You’re also not motivated to surprise your spouse with any romantic gesture, gift or help do something for them.
Other signs are as follows:
Choosing to break exciting or sad news with someone else
Leaning on someone else instead of your spouse is a telltale sign that things are on their way downhill. When you rely on someone else for emotional support or connection other than your spouse, it’s a sign that you are kilometres apart. Likewise, when your thoughts of the future no longer include one another, it’s time you do something... urgently!
Loss of friendship
It’s not only that you don’t spend time together because you’re busy but that you’re almost intent on not spending quality time together. Going to bed, you do so at different times. Even when on the bed, you’re on your phone and social media or are working, and when you wake up in the morning, you check-in on your social media.
You seldom go out on a date together, unless it’s in the company of other people. If you happen to go out, there must be an obstruction that’ll cause you not to look at each other in the eye, like a movie. Actually, social media becomes your default setting, even during meal-times. There’s a sense of loneliness when the two of you are left alone.
Lack of intimacy and connection
This can include a lack of both physical and emotional intimacy. A sexless marriage is a sign you are growing apart. And the longer it lasts, the further you will grow apart. You may not be having sex, or have sex infrequently, or have no real connection during sex, or dread sex as a chore/duty, or you are not sexually satisfied with each other.
Furthermore, you feel like you don’t know your spouse anymore or that they don't know you. This is also because it seems like you’re never on the same page. This can make it difficult to make decisions as a couple and often contributes to conflict.
Loss of patience
Because you feel like you’re never on the same page, you easily irritate one another. You fight and criticise each other so often that you’ve become petty. You seldom engage on an issue without it deteriorating to some argument of sorts.
Even when you receive a text or phone-call from them, you feel like it’s another “to-do”, or that they are disturbing you. On occasions, you even muster the courage to ignore their phone calls. And when they ask why, you lie about it.
You avoid having difficult conversations
If you’ve gotten to the point where you've found having those “hard” talks pointless, it’s probably because the space between you two is growing. Avoiding difficult conversations altogether, or having them become explosive to the point you can’t talk about them anymore should be a red flag.
Either way, if the difficult issue goes unaddressed, it essentially creates a sore spot of resentment in marriage that continues to create more frustration and exhaustion. This can add fire to other fights or again, cause withdrawing from talking to your spouse altogether — creating opportunities to distance yourself.
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