MO AND PHINDI | Bridge the gap before it grows too wide to reach out to your partner

Every couple is either doing something that draws them closer together, or is causing them to drift apart. Every day we make choices about which of these two paths we take.

As we grow in our careers, families and life passions, it becomes easy to give them a lot of attention — often to the detriment of our spouses. Finding middle ground between “too hot” and “too cold” is not easy, but it’s the indispensable ingredient of a healthy marriage.

Usually one of you will notice the growing distance, while the other is caught up in the grind of whatever’s taken their attention away. So the first step is to talk openly about your concerns.

Please ensure this is a conversation, not a confrontation. Make it clear you aren’t necessarily blaming your spouse for what is happening. Instead, provide observations about what you feel is happening and discuss how you can work together to bridge the gap. Identifying what is causing the drift without making your spouse feel guilty about it, is key.

One of the best ways to enter that discussion is to refer back to why you initially decided to marry your partner, and what attracted you to them. Then juxtapose that with where your marriage is at right now. If the two of you still connect over why you’re together, then your spouse will be less defensive about the situation.

Make time for one another. If you no longer enjoy each other’s company, establish the reason. Couples who want to avoid growing apart need to simply do the work of being present and building their bond. This can be accomplished by falling back into the habits that attracted you to one another in the first place. You need to be deliberate about paying attention to each other, and intentional about spending time together. If you actually want to remain committed to one another in a healthy and meaningful relationship, then you’ll make the time.

Try new things together. All relationships fall into a routine at some point. It's never really a bad thing, it just means you've reached a level of comfort. But comfort can easily turn into boredom. Because you've got so used to being together, it can get very easy to take each other for granted.

Once you have this mindset that they’ll just be there as usual, slowly, you can create a distance by not cultivating the relationship as much as you need to. One easy way to fix this is to try new things. It doesn’t have to be some kind of big romantic gesture. Small things can also make a difference. What’s important is, you never stop making each other feel loved.

Share the burden of challenges. Sometimes couples drift apart because of life circumstances. This is stuff you don’t have answers for nor control over, and they cause you to believe your spouse no longer understands you.

Hiding secret burdens from your partner is a mistake. Being with you, in all that you go through, is what they signed up for when they married you. Whether you win, lose or merely survive a challenge in your life, if you do so without the love, care and support of your spouse, it will loosen the bond you share. Even worse, the likelihood of resentment and anger to emerge toward the other partner is very real.

PODCAST | What makes our relationships healthy and well

Stay vulnerable. It's hard to maintain intimacy with someone when you don't know them anymore. In the beginning of a relationship, couples share their fears, hopes, dreams, and feelings. When you're not sharing your feelings, they can turn to resentments and foster feelings of loneliness and distance.

Developing separate interests with your partner kind of creeps up on you. When one partner decides to walk a certain path without the other, they develop a life of their own. Eventually, you become strangers to one another even though you may share the same house together.

Taking deliberate interest in what each partner does is one way to reconnect and gain each other’s support. Sometimes it’s easier to feel a connection to someone when you feel like they are in your corner. Never allow your spouse to feel alone and lonely while you’re in their life. Look for ways you can show care and support for one another.

Never allow the fun to fly out of the window. Any relationship can start to feel less exciting over time as the realities of maintaining a lasting partnership and the grind of day-to-day life take precedence over keeping the passion alive. Never stop engaging in the very activities that brought you together in the first place.

Even after your relationship settles into a pattern, it’s essential to maintain a sense of fun to have a healthy marriage. Fun also encourages a spirit of teamwork and strengthens the friendship component of your relationship. Be silly, laugh, and go on fun activities and adventures together to help you stay close. Having fun together is not a frivolity, it’s a necessity.