MO AND PHINDI

We’ve held back from thoroughly devoting exclusive time to this topic for a while, because we felt we had addressed it, albeit sporadically, in other themes we’ve written about. However, when we recently took time to examine suggestions we get from some of the readers of this column on issues to consider when writing, we were amazed at how we’ve overlooked such a glaring challenge in many marriages.

However, due to space, we will explore the possible causes this week. And then suggest some solutions in the next column.

Many partners are on a very lonely, frustrating and disappointing path, especially in marriage – a lifetime commitment to a team that’s supposed to have shared goals and a common vision. In the backdrop of abandonment, a relationship can be a very lonely place. And that can be confusing because you’re not alone. You may even be spending a lot of time with your spouse but still not be emotionally connected.

Emotional abandonment has nothing to do with proximity. It can happen when the other person is lying right beside you, when you can’t connect or when your emotional needs aren’t being met. Being abandoned in marriage refers to feelings of neglect, being shut out, and not being heard. You’re left to face certain life challenges, even day-to-day struggles, on your own in spite of the reality of you being married. It is when your spouse is so self-absorbed that they genuinely cannot see – or they intentionally ignore – the troubles, tears or challenges you’re going through.

It’s when your spouse:

withholds approval, affection and attention from you;
no longer leans on you for advice and support but would rather rely on someone else for such;
is no longer sexually attracted to you; and
makes you feel socially isolated and rarely goes anywhere with you anymore.

Instead of physically leaving the relationship, your spouse simply checks out emotionally. They stop investing in the marriage, leaving you feeling disconnected and unwanted. You can sense the distance. To the outside world the situation can still look rosy, at least for a while. But in reality, the relationship has been dying a slow, quiet death for some time now.

How does a marriage reach this point? Sometimes it’s a slow slide into complacency, and other times it’s a little more sudden. However, there are primary causes.

Taking each other for granted

Taking your spouse for granted can be a positive sign of comfort and trust in the marriage. However, when:

you’re no longer interested in your spouse’s thoughts on some issues;
you find yourself feeling entitled to something you “expect” them to do, rather than being truly grateful and appreciative for what they do; or
you have your life so occupied with everything and/or everyone else that they no longer feel you’re prioritising them;

then they’ll close themselves off from you.

Loss of friendship

Friend is simply defined by Merriam Webster Dictionary as “a person who you like and enjoy being with”. And best friend is “one’s closest and dearest friend”. Happy marriages are based on a deep friendship and that friendship is the core of a strong marriage. Couples that are friends look forward to spending time together, and genuinely like one another. Their activities and interests actually become enhanced because they have their favourite person with whom to share their life experiences. When you lose a friendship with your spouse, you lose more than just happiness. You lose the very marriage.

Unforgiveness

When you feel your spouse has hurt you and you’ve refused to forgive them, you’ll look for ways to protect yourself from being hurt again in the future. Closing off your heart from them would be an easy route to do this.

Insensitive behaviour

When you would treat your spouse anyhow, it gets old really quickly. Whether you’re being discourteous, unkind, impatient or something worse, like constant criticism, contempt, defensiveness or stonewalling, it creates hurt that may start out small, but can grow into deep wounds as it festers over time. Don’t expect that your spouse will open up to you.

Lack of effort

Often the problem is a little less obvious than unforgiveness or harsh treatment. It is easy, especially for men, to just assume that the relationship is going along just fine, and so they don’t put in as much effort as they once did.

Inability to empathise

When your spouse shares an important event in their life, but you fail to walk in their shoes on the matter, they will likely close themselves off from you. And when that happens, they will drift away and seek that comfort elsewhere. It may not necessarily be from another romantic fling per se. A family member, friend or colleague may be a good substitution for you.

However, in spite of all the above, emotional abandonment does not signal an end to a marriage. The relationship can still be resuscitated back to life with the cooperation of both partners. And we’ll explore this in the next column.