We’ve seen so much reading material about managing conflict in marriage. We even wrote a full chapter in one of our books, Stuff We Wish We Knew Before Getting Married, about how we should never sweat the small stuff.
Our emphasis was around annoying habits we often display as part of our day-to-day living. This is from the perspective that one of the most annoying things about annoying habits is that they aren’t all that important, but they still drive us crazy.
It’s not so much that your spouse has added more annoying habits over the period of your marriage, but simply that the ones that were easy to put up with in the early days of your relationship have gradually eaten away at your nerves. Now they’ve reached that really tender spot that makes you want to grab your partner by the throat and shake the breath out of them…and go and take a nap thereafter.
However, if we took life so seriously that such things get on our nerves, then SA, and indeed the world, would have a 100% divorce rate. Sweating the small stuff as it relates to annoying habits in your marriage is one sure way of getting ulcers, migraine headaches and cancer. Many stress-related sicknesses are caused by magnifying potholes on the road, instead of enjoying and celebrating the journey.
Sometimes the best way to deal with the small stuff is to simply not to sweat it. Sweating it too much brings unnecessary attention that may be met with resistance. You’ve most probably met your partner with their annoying behaviours anyway. And you’ve got yours too, by the way. Rather focus on yourself.
Happiness doesn’t come from outside of yourself. Something wonderful begins to happen in your marriage when you appreciate that life, like a car, is driven from the inside out and not the other way round.
Criticise less and give your spouse room to be human. Choose kindness and focus on your own growth.
If you live with someone, especially one you’ve met in your adult age as often is the case in marriage, then you’re going to annoy each other. That’s just a fact. The question is, are you going to lose sleep over that? Should you? People who do so usually are oblivious to the fact that they, too, have their own habits that annoy their spouses.
Having said all that, there’s an opposite side to this argument that makes the advice above bad for marriage when left on its own.
Whenever we mentor couples, it’s amazing how often it’s the small stuff that starts eating away at their love. They barely remember what happened and often can’t put their finger on when the passion went on vacation and never returned.
The little things, just like a virus, start small and can grow into looming problems that go unnoticed for months, sometimes even years.
You should sweat the small stuff – little actions scattered throughout the week: a sincere, hearty welcome home, or not. Showing gratitude for the completion of tasks and chores, or taking their efforts for granted and worse yet, criticising your partner.
It’s the small gestures of affection or lack thereof, the endearing comments of appreciation for your partner’s unique qualities, or tiny biting comments or complaints that linger for days. Honouring your spouse with attentive listening or patronising them with sapless, distracted listening.
You may think something is small and not worth worrying over or even thinking about. But, if your spouse feels differently, you dismiss it (and them) at your peril.
The repetitive arguments over dishes in the sink or shoes left in the living room may not be about the dishes or the shoes. You may have every intention of dealing with them but, hey, you forgot and, no big deal, they will eventually get taken care of.
Unless the wife ends up dealing with them again and again and again and resentment sets in. For her, it’s about her wishes being taken into consideration and being important enough to you for an effort to be made to honour those wishes. It’s not about the small stuff, but what that represents.
The same can be true about consistently being five-minutes late or not answering texts consistently or in a timely fashion. To you, they’re no big deal. To your spouse, it’s about not feeling like a priority to you.
Ultimately, what looks like small stuff, is actually bigger. Not sweating the small stuff can add up to big stuff.
Think about the broken window theory of crime. One unrepaired broken window is a signal that no-one cares, and so breaking more windows costs nothing. This leads to increased crime and civil disorder.
Most marriages don’t end due to a big event, but a series of small, repetitive ones. One “window” gets broken and goes unrepaired. Then another and another.
Your romance and ultimately, marriage, can die the death of a thousand cuts. It’s the small things in life that can add up to so much in how you feel in your marriage.
Remembering, and honouring, the special events in a big way are wonderful. But it’s the things you both do every day that will be the glue that holds your marriage together. Or tear it apart.
So, should you sweat the small stuff or not? The answer is in the balance, and maturity in both of you.
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