We often consult with couples, generally in dating relationships rather than marriage, where one partner is a freeloader. Could be that they’ve moved in together, and one doesn’t contribute anything towards the rent or even groceries.
One of the worst cases that came our way is of one lady whose boyfriend asked her for the lobola money and promised to pay it back – but never did. Not only that, he was driving around with her car and staying in her house. On numerous occasions, he even claimed part ownership of her catering business – until she invited us for intervention. Although they have a child together, they’re no longer a couple.
This is the reality faced by many couples, where one of the partners presumes that the other will bear their financial burden. This unequivocal balance in finances often harms relationships. Love may be blind, but lovers don’t have to be, certainly not in the presence of a freeloading partner.
There’s a difference between accepting help and taking advantage of someone else’s generosity. But when does generosity and help cross the line to being taken advantage of? How do we realise we are dealing with a blood-sucking moocher?
What is a freeloader?
A freeloader is called many names: moocher, bloodsucker, hanger-on or a parasite. This is a person who does not contribute fairly or even pay anything at all towards their own expenses.
To put it bluntly, a freeloader is a shameless person who takes advantage of the generosity of others for food, shelter, clothing and much more – and might even depend on you for support, without feeling any moral obligation to pay you back or to do anything in return for you.
Here are some tips on how to deal with a freeloader in your relationship.
Learn to say “No”
If you’ve attracted the attention of a professional freeloader, you will need to learn that “No” is a complete sentence that needs no clarification. It’s important you realise that a “no” doesn’t mean you’re no longer a generous person.
Denying a freeloader access to your resources could also help you save your relationship, and your generous heart.
Truth is, when a freeloader is done with you, you’ll be suspicious of everyone you cross paths with – even genuine people. You’re likely to be less generous and even think that everyone is out to use you. A freeloader will eventually change you into someone you’re not.
Set boundaries
Because of their irresponsibility, freeloaders are generally in denial of their blood-sucking behaviour – and can pick a fight when held accountable.
You need to start laying down some boundaries around your resources. Usually when they first ask to “borrow” money, you don’t think twice about it. They promise to pay you back, but as the days go by there’s no mention of the money. They certainly didn’t forget about it, but are hoping you did.
If you’re not going to literally close the tap, you need to give them a timeline of when you’re expecting them to pay you back. Draft something in writing for their signature if you have to, just so they can see how serious you are.
But be prepared, a problem you may run into is that they may act upset, hurt or indigent when held accountable.
Don’t fall for the guilt trips
They are really, really good at it. One important thing to recognise about this sort of person is that they do it on purpose. This is also a tactic that freeloaders use to keep getting away with what they are.
While some of us can make poor decisions and suffer the consequences, a freeloader will purposely buy luxuries, relying on others to provide necessities. They frequently look to others to fix all of their problems, taking on the role of victim.
Call them out
Unfortunately, they have no shame. Your disapproval means nothing. Most people will do their best to solve their own problems, only asking for help when really necessary. But a freeloader cares nothing for your needs and thoughts, even if they convince you that they do.
Assess the relationship
At some point, you need to assess whether the relationship is still beneficial to you. A freeloader is bound to muddy up a relationship. If you think you would be better off without them, know that the money or things you lent them might not be returned. But, it may be worth it to just cut your losses, and move on before you lose your mind. If it’s a relationship that’s worth saving, you may have to consider counselling.
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