Trust in an intimate relationship is rooted in feeling safe with another person. Infidelity, lies or broken promises can severely damage trust in a marriage. That, however, does not necessarily mean that a marriage can’t be salvaged. Although rebuilding trust can be challenging when there is a significant breach, it is, in fact, possible if both partners are committed to the process.
When you both decide to give the marriage another chance after one of you has cheated on the other, it’s important to be all in. However, to rebuild trust, there are a couple of issues we’d like to propose for you to think about.
First, we believe that the trust rebuilding process in a marriage is premised on two fundamental pillars, transparency and integrity.
Transparency
Healthy transparency in a marriage means that each spouse feels fully comfortable, honest, open and forthcoming with the other without fear of being judged. It means that issues are brought up directly and that there is no deception, lying, or hiding things from one another.
It doesn’t mean giving up your private thoughts and personal spaces. Instead it means having those spaces and allowing your spouse to have them without fearing that something nefarious is going on. It gives couples the ability to be truly naked before each other and not to be ashamed or afraid that they might get hurt.
Basically, your partner must make a commitment to living differently and abiding by certain boundaries, the most important of which is ongoing openness.
Integrity
Integrity is doing what you say you will do. Having integrity means having a system of morals and ethics that I believe in and do my best to adhere to in all my dealings.
In the absence of your spouse, integrity means being where you told them you’ll be; for the reason you told them you’re there for; at the time you told them you’ll be there; with whoever you told them you’ll be with and return at the time you told them you’ll be back by.
It also means remaining mindful of the commitment you have to your spouse while in their absence. This could mean being available whenever your partner needs you and speaking often, whenever possible. Furthermore, it means you make a conscious choice not to put yourself into situations that could create conflict and you avoid inconsistencies with your words and/or actions.
Here are few important variables in the process of rebuilding trust.
Decide if you want to reconcile
Forgiveness is a choice. It doesn’t mean what your partner did was okay, nor does it mean you are fine with it. How much you trust your partner is partly about what your partner does and partly a function of whether you have confidence to handle it if they disappoint you again. Ultimately, it’s about how much you trust yourself.
If you both decide to reconcile, the process will demand that your partner cooperates with whatever measures you agree to put in place to make it difficult for them to cheat on you again. If there’s disagreement in this regard, not only will it be difficult or near impossible to risk your vulnerability and trust again, but reconciliation is unable to take place.
Consistency
As you’re rebuilding trust in your marriage, keep your words and actions consistent. They need to align. Your spouse’s image of you is tainted and shaken and they’re looking for stability wherever they can. Aligning your words with doing what you say you’re going to do will go a long way to proving to your spouse that you’re serious about them trusting you again.
Consistency also means a combination of behaviours that include dependability, trust, and a true desire to remain committed to your spouse.
Cooperation
Rebuilding trust will require that, as the one whose trust was broken, you cooperate with the genuine actions your spouse is taking in order to make amends. It’s important that you give them a chance – again on condition that they’re genuine.
Patience
The process of rebuilding trust in this circumstance requires a lot of patience. There’s no time frame and it takes as long as it takes. Your partner must understand that suspicion and mistrust are natural reactions when a person has been cheated on and lied to.
After all, the evidence supports the belief that they aren’t trustworthy. Trust can be rebuilt, but it does not come quickly, even for kind-hearted people.
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