There aren’t many words to describe what happens in the life of a responsible husband with all the abilities, experience, education and attitude to suddenly lose his ability to provide. Other than death and divorce, we know of no other stress-inducing event in the life of a grown man that’s as shocking to his system as abruptly removing his ability to provide.
Typically he feels his manhood and identity are stripped away, and is powerless about it.
Men generally struggle to fully express their feelings. The unemployed husband often suffers in silence. The effects however, of his inability to provide, are often evidenced by low self-confidence, guilt, frustration, feeling overwhelmed, fear, self-doubt and lapses of depression.
He often feels he’s a social outcast, and easily isolate himself and withdraw from people. And if the income loss season becomes too long, he’ll likely become discouraged and negative about most things. This will often translate to anti-social and self-sabotaging behaviour. He would also display destructive tendencies that inevitably affect his marriage.
Joblessness can leave him, and his wife, feeling overpowered, weak, unnerved.
Fortunately, in the meantime, the couple can settle on the positive choices that can, at last, reinforce their relationship.
Allow for a period of grief
Any significant loss, personal or professional, may provoke an episode of melancholy. The first couple of weeks after a job loss often involve a period of adjustment, which may or may not include grief. If it does, it is important to allow him a bit of time and space. The frustration may even be exacerbated by the limited options of income generation. As most industries move online and minimise human contact, many people are nervous about their value and contribution. It does get too much.
Get practical about it
Along with all the emotional support needed, it’s important to think about the practical implications. Immediately talk to your creditors and suppliers to inform them of the situation. Work out a plan to meet your obligations with them. You’ll be surprised how understanding they can be.
Cut down on your lifestyle, and sell the valuables you don’t need. You’ll be amazed at how much money is “hidden” in stuff you can do without. At this period, pride is counterproductive, and you can’t afford to holding on to items you’re not even using or can afford to sacrifice to meet the current financial need. A garage sale would do you wonders.
Don’t sit back
A posture of giving up gives rise to depression and all kinds of counterproductive behaviour. It may well be time to consider this as an opportunity for him to invest himself in whatever he believes is his life calling. This is a great time to think about what he’s passionate about, and what gives him meaning. And then start to engage with that process instead of feeling helpless and passively waiting for some messianic phone call from a possible employer. He must invest himself in community work, start a small business… do something.
Give him his place
Allow him the space to be the man he’s always been before the income loss. If the kids, for instance, previously approached him for stuff they needed, let them still get the money from him. Remember, the family income belongs to both of you, not just you. This requires a massive deal of maturity and solid grounding in faith for both of you.
Keep the big picture in mind
Going through this rough season in your marriage, you may well have to consider what you actually meant when you vowed, “for better or worse; for richer or poorer…until death do you part”? As a wife, are you able to respect your husband beyond his inability to provide? Do you appreciate the income loss situation as temporary in the backdrop of the permanence of your marriage?
Remember that unity is power
Nothing can beat you forming a strong alliance in a show of unity during this trying season of your marriage. You have to sit down as a team and strategise not only the job hunt, but ways you can minimise conflicts that come with this.
Approaching such a hurdle as a team in an attitude of unity is the best way to deflate any tension. As his wife, your husband has to feel less judged and an equally valuable contributor in some or other way to the partnership you share.
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