When one partner conceals important financial information or activity from the other, they’re engaging in financial infidelity. When you deliberately choose not to tell the truth about your income or spending, no matter how big or small, that is financial infidelity.
Some of the most common examples include hiding a purchase, secretly paying or supporting someone without the knowledge of your spouse, opening secret credit cards or new accounts, stashing bills, and even having a secret savings account.
Because of the seriousness of financial infidelity, it’s important to make a clear distinction between financial dishonesty and just being irresponsible or forgetful.
Financial infidelity can look like a minor omission like "forgetting" to mention you went a bit over budget booking the baecation, or a major transgression, like draining the kids’ education savings to cover a secret credit card bill. Like sexual infidelity, financial infidelity can wreak havoc on your marriage, especially on your shared financial goals.
The partner who felt cheated is going to be upset, angry, and disappointed. They may experience feelings of betrayal, loss of trust, and may even want to leave the relationship – depending on the extent of the money involved and for what purpose it was used.
When you’ve come clean, it’s up to your partner to forgive you. You may want to give them a little room and time to soak it in and evaluate. Acknowledging the matter will have to include mechanisms to rebuild trust and practical steps to prevent repetition.
Talk about the causes. Once you’re both ready to move forward, identify the cause and create a plan to prevent it happening again.
Being on the same page with your spouse is so important for just about every aspect of life: raising kids, life goals, career choices and so much more. And the one thread that holds it all together is money. If you’re not doing a monthly budget together, it’s time to start.
Understand the real reasons for the infidelity. We all have a range of needs, from feeling safe to feeling we belong. How we prioritise these needs is different for everyone. So, one partner might need financial security in marriage, whereas the other needs financial freedom. These two can be reconciled with proper communication.
Honestly discuss your values about money. What is your relationship to money and how was this influenced by your upbringing?
Some people might see money as a means to an end, while others see it as a social status. Someone who wants to "keep up with the Joneses" might fall into debt to have the latest car. This would clash with a partner who simply needs a roof over their head and appearing a certain way isn’t on their priority list.
How to save your marriage after financial infidelity is a delicate balance between openness and having boundaries. We always recommend joining income and finances into one family account. There are more pros than cons in this regard. However, to some couples, this arrangement seems like a violation.
Discuss what feels appropriate for you both to be completely open with each other. Repeated financial infidelity can only stop with complete transparency.
Align your financial goals. When you’re working towards the same goals, you create no room to hide or waste money. If you have accumulated debts, you and your partner should find a way to service them without affecting your overall finances. This can be in the form of consolidating your loans, renegotiating with lenders, and developing new sources of income. Create a new budget reflecting your current financial position and ensure it works for both of you.
Support each other and share your roles. If you want one person to be in charge of finances, get the other to audit them to see if working together can improve things.
Of course, fixing your finances is only one part of how to save your marriage after financial infidelity. The other part is the breakdown of trust. Emotions might be all over the place, and fear usually settles in, especially if the debt is high. We always advise couples to consult with professional intervention at this stage. Either way, emotions and needs must be discussed and processed to pave way for forgiveness and reconciliation.
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