When we went for pre-marital sessions some 18 years ago, we were taught that we would know we truly love each other when one partner places their needs below the needs of the other. Also, that compromise, self-sacrifice and “holding your peace” was proof of love.
This notion dupes many couples into a false sense of humility and fake unselfishness.
Truth is, loving your partner more than you love yourself is not love. The whole notion is based on fractured beliefs about what true love is.
Settling for less than you deserve is when you embrace the myth that “marriage is about compromise”. And this may prevent you communicating how you wish to be loved, even when your needs are not being met.
Loving your partner above yourself could also affect how you carry yourself outside the relationship. Do you care too much about what others think of you? If you don’t feel loved and respected by your partner but love them unhealthily, you might become self-critical and second-guess your decisions.
If you have given all the control to your partner, it will leave you paralysed as a person. How many things can you do on your own without seeking validation from your partner? The unhealthy dependency may even result in co-dependency. A co-dependent relationship is a dysfunctional relationship where one person is a caretaker, and the other person takes advantage.
One of the most tragic things is to give yourself so overwhelmingly to your partner, but not realising you are in fact eroding any opportunity of genuine intimacy. Instead you create an illusion of closeness and being in a fake love bubble, but it won’t bring you love. Being vulnerable and asking for what you need promotes emotional intimacy.
Lack of self-care is an intimacy killer. When you make your partner the centre of your universe, you tend to ignore everything that matters to you personally. You tend to ignore your hobbies, passions, and even friends and family. Your entire life is wrapped around your marriage and partner. You’ll lose yourself in the name of loving them. You’ll even feel you’re being selfish if you take care of yourself.
Red flags are clear signs that the relationship might lack trust and integrity. As a result, because you love your partner more than you love yourself, you might ignore their dishonesty, possessiveness, or unhealthy jealousy tendencies because you refuse to face reality.
This can mean you have trouble saying “no” to your partner. You may even make excuses for their immature behaviour, and often take responsibility for their actions and emotions. This can lead to emotional abuse.
You may go above and beyond to make your partner “happy”, even when they don’t reciprocate. You also might avoid confronting them about important issues because of your preoccupation with “meeting their needs” and nursing their feelings rather than your own.
These dangers affect the quality of your relationship in ways untold. It is in loving your spouse as you love yourself that yields better possibilities of a healthy marriage. You cannot pour from an empty cup, ie. love someone the way they need to be loved when you are empty of love yourself.
It’s unhealthy to allow the relationship to absorb your identity and to lose yourself as a person. Maintain a degree of space. Keep your own rituals, your own activities, and maybe even your own friends. Develop a spiritual meaning and nurture your faith. Spend a healthy time apart doing your own thing to nurture your soul. You don’t always have to do things together.
Pursue your own dreams. You don’t have to sacrifice your personal goals, dreams and passions just because you’re married. That is a misconception of what a marriage is.
Your partner can’t make you happy. Only you can do that. They can enhance the happiness that you nurture in yourself but it is not their responsibility to make you happy.
Insecure people struggle to see anything good in themselves and are often dismissive of the positive things their partner sees. See in yourself what your partner sees in you and were attracted by. When you lose your attraction, you lose your marriage.
Communicate how you want to be loved And this is no sin. Set boundaries and stick to them. Demand to be treated with respect, without fear. When you don’t like something, speak up, and repeat yourself if needed.
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