MO AND PHINDI | Past emotional traumas can cause problems in your current relationship

Here’s our belief: We're not supposed to gather experience in relationships. We’re supposed to date with the intention of a lifetime commitment, hopefully that translates into marriage. Granted, for whatever reasons, not everyone is keen on marriage. But still, that doesn’t invalidate point we’re seeking to canvass with you. Indulge us for a few minutes.

If you’ve been married for however short period of time, you must already know that marriage is never just about the two of you. When you say “I do”, you’re not just marrying a person. You marry their history too. You marry their traumas, failures, hurts and disappointments too. However old they are, that’s how many years of history you’re marrying.

And by the time you meet someone you believe is for keeps, you are in all likelihood carrying an emotional baggage you’ve picked up from where you come from. In spiritual language, you’re carrying unhealthy soul ties.

Previous relationships have many ways of stealing into the current one, whether it's in how we approach certain situations or how we emotionally react to what our partners say.

There are several signs that suggest you’re carrying an emotional baggage. These often manifest in how you behave in your relationship or marriage. The following are just few of the main symptoms of how past relationship traumas affect your current relationship.

Relationship hopping

Jumping from one relationship to another is often a way of avoiding grieving processes or of covering up over-dependence. It makes learning from your previous mistakes difficult. Perhaps the saddest thing about this practice is that it often becomes a way to boycott relationships that could end up being extremely valuable.

We live in a time when it’s almost "mandatory" to be happy. And the grief that follows a breakup is a process that many people refuse to go through.

Overreacting

If your partner always puts you in a situation of walking on eggshells, it could be a sign from a past relationship. If they frequently overreact to little things, it’s usually a red-flag signaling memories of past relationship trauma.

If their previous partner, for instance, was controlling or domineering, your spouse will likely be triggered when you tell them what to do. If they suffered emotional abuse in past relationships, it would not be unusual for conflict in the marriage to trigger an overreaction.

Emotional numbness

Being emotionally tuned-out is a common past relationship trauma. Those who numb themselves to their emotions often feel as though it’s better to protect themselves and feel nothing, even positive emotions, rather than being vulnerable and – in their mind  – “open themselves to possible abuse”.

Always suspicious

Relationship experiences ironically cause an inability to trust. One of the signs relationship experience isn’t working is to display signs of unhealthy jealousy and always treat the other person as though they’re guilty of something even without evidence. The frantic calls, texts, and even doing whatever is possible to police their whereabouts without any evidence of cheating, tells a story.

Unhealthy comparisons

Having relationship experience will inevitably cause you to compare your current partner and relationship to your previous ones. This is one of the most painful ways to dishonour your partner. When you compare your spouse to someone else, you aren't showing respect for who they are and aren’t giving your relationship a chance to breathe.

Pushing away

Some partners push away the people they love due to fears that what happened before will happen again. This often manifests as a fear of commitment as, for many, this is response to the possibility of being hurt again. Essentially, they might be scared of being abandoned.

Hang-ups around sex

If your spouse is always feeling sexually reserved or simply isn’t excited about being physically intimate with you for reasons other than a merely low sex drive, it may be a sign of toxicity from previous relationships.

This isn’t just talking about sex in general, but also certain positions or ways you touch them or how they see themselves sensually. Sex will also be a trigger and an emotionally painful experience if they were made to feel as if they were physically unattractive.

Communication avoidance

Avoidance is a common symptom of a past traumatic romantic relationship. An inability to communicate effectively is often as a result of such a past. Your spouse may avoid communicating important matters and how they feel, because building a wall to protect themselves is easier.

We submit that it's healing that you actually need, not “experience”.