In no other month of the year is the word “Love” most mentioned than February. And this week, in particular, is the climax, being Valentine’s Day. Love is most talked about in the romantic sense. And it’s always packaged and sold to us as a feeling when it’s actually a series of behaviours.
This is why when the feeling leaves, as feelings always do, we believe the relationship is over. We believe the love is gone.
Love is not the intense feeling of deep affection society tells us about. It actually transcends any feeling or emotion. It’s a way of relating to others. And for our marriages to work healthily, we have to embrace such virtues as forgiveness, faithfulness, gentleness, kindness, patience and self-control – all subtitles of love.
True love is showing love for another person without considering how it will benefit you or what you will get in return. Love has no reason. It’s accepting your partner for who they naturally are – in spite of their flaws.
In the purest sense, true love is about caring about the well-being of another person without any concern for how it benefits you. True love is expressed with no strings attached. It’s the love you selflessly offer your spouse freely, and isn’t based on what they do or don’t do for you in return. The satisfaction in the expression of true love comes from giving, rather than receiving.
True love isn’t only altruistic, but it also involves acceptance and forgiveness. You can’t love someone unconditionally unless your love remains unchanged despite their actions. You can, however, love someone truly without having a relationship with them.
Forgiveness does not mean condoning or tolerating bad behaviour that goes unchecked. We have to mature and outgrow our selfishness otherwise we abuse the essence of what unconditional love is.
Confusion and misconceptions about the true nature of love can seem to suggest this type of love reflects unhealthy or toxic relationship dynamics. There’s an important distinction between offering unconditional love and forgiveness, and continuing to accept unhealthy behaviour. A human being will always be more important than marriage or any relationship for that matter.
True love doesn’t mean avoiding conflicts or looking away from problematic behaviour. And confronting issues with your spouse and demanding change in behaviour is not a violation of true love. Contrarily, it’s the full display of it.
True love doesn’t mean ignoring breaches of trust or tolerating abuse, and the need to repair. If the damage is beyond repairs, it’s also possible to walk away still holding forgiveness and love in your heart. It’s one thing to forgive, it’s another to choose to be reconciled to them. You can forgive someone and still stay away from them. Love is not to the disregard of your mental health.
True love doesn’t mean neglecting your own needs. The sacrifices that true love involves shouldn’t require you to give up everything you need and want for yourself. It’s dangerous to love someone at your own expense, or love them more than you love yourself.
Furthermore, loving someone to the point of trying to "fix" them even when they're breaking you is not love. It's a destructive path towards self-neglect. When you – in the name of unconditional love – permit your partner to treat you anyhow, in the hope that you'll just pray it all away while you secretly endure the pain, hurt and punishment they mete out against you, will cause you to lose yourself beyond recognition.
As human beings, we are socialised to express conditional love. Often you love your partner because of their unique traits and qualities that attracted you to them. It's the reason why you love them and not another person. And in marriage, your love for them is heightened because of what they do.
Be careful of statements like, “I love you because…”, or “I love you if…”, or “I love you every time you do that…”.
The question becomes, if they change, at what point is love withdrawn? What if they can no longer perform, would love be withdrawn?
The point is, your marriage is vulnerable anytime your spouse justifies why they love you, because true love has no justification. Whatever the reason is for why they love you, it is a condition. Meaning, if you stop being or doing what they love you for, what would become of their love for you?
• This is an extract from Mo & Phindi’s latest book: The Marriage Dance, being launched at Emperor's Palace on Friday February 24
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