MO AND PHINDI | Toxic communication clutters that can cause division in your marriage

Lack of proper communication remains an undisputed reason for divorce in SA. There are some many noises – both internally and externally – that can cause clutter in how you interact as a couple. But few are as toxic, even abusive, as these four:

Emotional dumping

An act of unconsciously sharing your feelings or perspectives without due regard for your partner’s emotional state or needs. Emotional dumping is toxic, selfish and subconsciously cares very less about considering the emotional space of the other person. Your partner, as the recipient, walks away feeling overwhelmed and weighed down from the interaction. It occurs when you are simply self-consumed and just concerned about off-loading your frustrations and challenges on your partner without reciprocity.

The person who is emotionally dumping usually has a victim mindset, puts all the blame on others and has no accountability for their role on whatever frustrates them. Generally, they are not interested in resolving the issue and are a continuous stream of issues without focusing on just one. The whole world is always against them and them only.

How to manage it?

• Set boundaries around how much you allow your partner to off-load on you when you are under the weather yourself.
•  Develop a friendship – mutually beneficial relationship – with your partner that is based on mutual respect and regard for one another.
• Avoid bringing up multiple issues at once when discussing why you are upset. Deal with one issue at a time and be intent on giving your partner an opportunity to vent theirs as well.
• Have an open mindset that you may have made mistakes in the situation and that finding solutions can help resolve the matter.

Rudeness disguised as straight-talking

There are straight-talkers but there are just plain rude partners. Straight-talking is about sensitively delivering an honest and direct message. It’s being blunt and frank yet sensitive and measured.

Rudeness is inconsiderate, offensive and bad mannered. It is aggressive, impolite and forces your partner to defend themselves as they are feeling attacked. Straight-talking isn’t mean. It’s focused on the point.

Narcissism

A narcissistic partner has an inflated sense of self-importance. It’s a disorder that causes someone to believe the world revolves around them. Not only do they have a poor sense of boundaries themselves, but they don’t like others setting boundaries on them.

How to manage it?

Understand that their actions come from a place of emptiness. Many people with narcissistic tendencies, especially those officially diagnosed by mental health experts, aren’t behaving the way they do on purpose. A narcissistic behaviour is an expression of deep wounds and hurt. The validation of their identity and self-worth is deeply embedded on taking others down.

Consider your mental health

Narcissists are capable of devouring people with their selfish needs and demands while at the same time eroding their partners’ self-worth. Don’t defer your happiness and mental well-being to how your spouse treats you. Be responsible for your own happiness, and make decisions that will ensure your sanity and right mind.

Push through the retaliation

When you set enforceable boundaries against a narcissist, you will experience abuse. You will face fallouts and pushbacks. Expect them. They will interpret your boundaries as a narcissistic injury and won’t hesitate to cross them just to see what your next step will be – pretty much like a toddler. In order to withstand the retaliation you need to remain resolute and steadfast. Set your boundaries, and stick by them without compromise.

Decide what you will tolerate

A key component of setting healthy boundaries is knowing when to say no, and doing so. Ask yourself what you are willing to accept from your spouse and what you won’t. For example, you may be okay with good-natured banter but not sarcasm. You may be fine with passionate expressions of opinions but not name-calling or bullying.

Unfiltered venting

Then there are partners who speak without tact, but just blurt out their thoughts. These are partners who think with their mouths without the consideration of the other partner or who they blurt out to about their partner, and how what they say would ultimately affect the partner. Careless venting has no regard for audience, situation or time. The partner speaks when they feel like it, however, the feel and with whoever cares to listen without due consideration of their partner.

“But I tell my mom everything!”

Well, that may have been the case before you got married. But now, your primary allegiance is to your spouse, not your parents, siblings or friends. And one of the best ways to build trust in your marriage is to preserve your spouse’s privacy and reputation in this way. Careless venting also creates a complex dynamic in their relationship with your spouse that isn’t healthy.

Make it your first choice to talk to your spouse directly about what’s bothering you. However, give yourself some space to cool off, get your heart in the right place, and come back together and work out your conflict together as a team. Make sure your goal is understanding and connection, rather than being right.

Should you need some third-party perspective, decide together in advance, not in the heat of the conflict.