MO AND PHINDI | Setting boundaries will help you cope with being married to daddy’s girl

There is a lot of romance around being a “daddy’s girl,” yet it is falsely assumed these girls, as adults, have it better than those who had more distant or non-existent relationships with their fathers. However, reality can be different without healthy boundaries for parents and children.

This opinion piece is not addressing the father-daughter relationship where fathers have helped raise and guided their daughters into emotionally healthy, mature and balanced adults. We are addressing the opposite: an unhealthy dynamic where a daddy’s girl chooses to invest with her father rather than her husband, thereby respecting her father’s opinions and decisions far more than those of her husband.

This is for the immature wife whose sense of self has been excessively influenced by the relationship with her father to a point of total disregard for her husband’s opinions or decisions.

In a healthy father-daughter dynamic, being adored and cherished by her father usually sets the stage for how a woman wants to be treated in her relationships, especially by a spouse. But problems begin when she expects her husband to behave, act and respond to issues like her father does.

When a woman is unhealthily attached to her father, she is likely to manipulate and intimidate her husband to continue where her father stopped, instead of beginning a new and inter-dependent life with her husband. Even worse, she’ll continue her dependence on her father for everything from funding her spoilt – and often materialistic life – to him meeting emotional needs that are supposed to be met by her husband.

This of course, goes along with comparing her husband to her father to the disregard of the fact that her husband is his own man and no matter how high of a pedestal she has her father on, her husband’s efforts should be judged on their own merits.

The father makes a “star” of her, giving her all she asks for and more without requiring her to earn it or instilling the discipline of waiting. There usually is no discipline, there are no boundaries and he feeds off of her being his “star” so he can play the role of the dedicated and doting father. She learns she is the most important to the exclusion of all others, including her mother. She’s mastered the art of controlling others, especially daddy, with her false charm for her selfish ends.

Because she has never been disciplined, she not only lacks the ability to regulate her emotions, but she’s also unable to shift gears from girl to wife. She’s a physically grown girl instead of being the matured woman in character.

Daddy, on the other hand, gains his sense of identity through his image of being the “loving father”. It is a symbiotic connection not allowing either of them to mature or expand in their lives as fully functioning and healthy human beings that are equal to their respective stages in life.

Daddy is on autodial if her car breaks down on the highway, for instance, or if the house needs painting, even though she may have a perfectly good handyman at home. Woe be unto him if he isn’t as handy around the house as daddy is.

As a matter of fact, even if you have a disagreement as a couple, she’ll call her father to mediate or to simply be on “her side”. He’s her number one go-to guy and you may as well forget trying to compete with that.

Few men can stand comparisons with other men and not being prioritised, admired or respected by their own wives.

She’s also high maintenance. Growing up as a cherished princess may sound nice, but may God help the poor guy who has to keep that pampering going. And as the ill-disciplined person that she is, she usually doesn’t take a “no” for an answer.

Here’s a tip: Never ever use her father against her or bring him up in a negative light. That is an unpardonable offence with an irreversible criminal record in her books. She is the only one ever allowed to criticise him. Not you.

Also, if you can, arrange spending some one-on-one time with your father-in-law. Then you’ll be able to learn so much about this father-daughter dynamic. Not only will this help you gain perspective, but in her immature mindset, you’ll be validating her position on the credibility of her father, which will earn you points.

In addition, setting clear and enforceable boundaries is essential. When boundaries become blurry and enmeshed, there can be an unbalanced shift in power. Importantly, you – as the husband – need to clearly communicate what is bearable and unbearable for you in this marriage. One of the first steps in setting boundaries is realising that you deserve to be treated with respect.