It’s virtually inevitable that even the closest of relationships will involve some degree of conflict from time to time. There will be some conversations you know you must have with your partner that, for whatever reason, bring a level of discomfort in you. When that happens, not only is it stressful but if it’s not handled well, it can pose a discomfort in the marriage.
As a result, many couples don’t talk about their values, their relationship with money, their childhood wounds, their vision of life together, how they’ll split up tasks of the home, how life could be should life do them part or what they expect from the marriage. They expect things to just work out. When they don’t, they get hurt and confused.
Uncomfortable conversations come in all shapes and sizes and for a variety of reasons. Getting comfortable with the uncomfortable is essential for a fulfilled life. Uncomfortable conversations aren’t fun. They’re the conversations you put off until the last minute or that anticipate with dread and worry about. However, stepping into them is an essential ingredient for an effective marriage.
Because having difficult conversations, especially with someone you deeply love, is such an unpleasant emotional position to be in, many of us are programmed to avoid having them altogether. If you’ve been subjected to undue criticism from others or have a deep sense of rejection or you just don’t have a healthy relationship with your spouse already, you may particularly loath to get involved in tough conversations that can turn ugly.
However, avoidance may be an even worse way to address an uncomfortable situation that you know deep down it has to be resolved. It’s impossible to find each other over an uncomfortable issue in your marriage by completely staying away from it. Whether the issue is finances, household tasks, health habits, in-laws, childrearing or sex, you’re eventually going to have to have one of those difficult conversations.
There are two main reasons for avoiding uncomfortable conversations:
1. Worry about the outcome
This is particularly concerning when you are in an unhealthy marriage. When you can anticipate a bad outcome as a result of having a tough conversation with your spouse, it can cause you to avoid it altogether.
2. Don’t know how to approach the matter
Many of us aren’t trained to engage in tough conversations. Even when we know how to deal with difficult situations at work, it’s different when speaking to someone we’re intimate with and deeply love.
However, there is a template we wish to recommend for uncomfortable conversations with your partner.
Give up the need to be right.
Even before you ask to sit down for a talk, remind yourself that it’s all about finding a solution to a problem. And that the solution will likely affect your whole family. So, it doesn’t matter who’s right or wrong. What matters is that the two of you are working together to improve things.
Choosing a good time to talk
Strictly speaking, there’s never a perfect time to have an uncomfortable conversation with your partner. There’s ‘now’ or ‘later’. The problem with ‘later’ is it never arrives.
That said, nobody likes being buttonholed right when they walk in the door from work or when they’re in a rush. Discern an appropriate time to chat. Ideally, try to talk after you’ve both had a chance to unwind and can focus on your conversation.
Staying focused on the problem
This is not the time to bring up your relationship’s ancient history or other problems. But even if you stick to the topic, your partner might not. To keep things on track, you might say something like, “Let’s talk about one thing at a time,” or, “I’d be happy to talk about that issue tomorrow. But let’s work on this problem today.”
While your partner is talking, just listen
Listening is key to making difficult conversations work. That means truly hearing what your partner is saying when you’re having a discussion. Try to stop yourself from interrupting. Don’t start thinking about your next comment while your partner is in mid-sentence. Stay present and try to absorb your partner’s comments before you start talking.
Reflect what you hear even if you don’t agree
One way your partner will know that you’re really listening is to reflect back what you’ve heard. You might begin with something like, “Let me see if I fully understand what you’re saying…” This is called, “reflective listening.” It can help keep stressful situations from escalating and get things back on track in upsetting moments.
Fight fairly
Nothing kills a productive conversation faster than accusations. Don’t accuse your partner of causing the problem or of avoiding the issue. Try not to assign blame. And avoid statements like, “You always do this!”
Try to find something you agree with
Maybe you strongly believe the opposite of what your partner is saying. But is there any crossover in your feelings? Even a little consensus can help you both feel like you’re beginning to contribute to a solution.
How we talk, when we talk, and how much we talk to each other – if we talk at all – does matter. By having an open conversation, being transparent about the value you place on the relationship and understanding their intent and background, you open the path to building a more stable and healthier relationship. Having a healthy marriage doesn’t mean you always have to agree. It does, however, require you to take the time to see things from each other’s perspective. Embrace discomfort, communicate openly and cultivate deeper connections. Have uncomfortable conversations.
Would you like to comment on this article?
Sign up (it's quick and free) or sign in now.
Please read our Comment Policy before commenting.