How to set strong financial boundaries

Women carry so much on their shoulders, and this can often put a strain on their finances.

Being natural caregivers, we support our families and still have to ensure that we are well off.

But this is not easy.

In July, I forgot to pay my nephew’s scholar transport, and this does not mean that because I had the money, I was able to carry it over to this month. No, the cash found another job to do.

So, this month, I had to pay double. I’m weeping.

What this essentially means is that I have to cut some things to be able to make up for the cash that has gone towards paying for the scholar transport.

Who else has ever found themselves in a similar situation?

Farzana Botha, senior communications manager at Sanlam Risk and Savings, highlights UN statistics that show that “women and girls perform an estimated 16-billion hours of unpaid care work every day, supporting families, aging parents, households, and communities”.

“For many, this work is deeply meaningful. Caring for loved ones and helping parents navigate later life is often seen as an act of love. Yet while this work is essential, the financial cost of that invisible labour is rarely counted or discussed,” says Botha.

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“South African evidence suggests caregiving responsibilities remain heavily gendered. The Commission for Gender Equality’s 2024 review found that women continue to perform the majority of unpaid care work, including caring for elderly relatives. For many families, that responsibility falls to daughters to step into the role of caregiver as their parents age.

“Often informal and unplanned, this care can quietly spread into every corner of a daughter’s financial life, from the emergency fund she cannot build to the retirement contributions she postpones, and the career opportunities she cannot risk taking. This Women’s Month we are reminded that for many women, these responsibilities accumulate alongside careers, raising children and building their own lives.”

She describes this as the “daughterhood penalty”. “The daughterhood penalty is essentially a tax on empathy,” says Botha.

Madri Jacobs, a Sanlam financial planner and authorised principal at Brilliance BlueStar, says there is also a cost measured in time.

“A daughter may be scheduling appointments, accompanying a parent to the clinic, resolving banking queries, and arranging household help. Then there is the emotional work, like anticipating problems, carrying everyone’s worries and remaining available when something goes wrong,” she notes.

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“Supporting aging parents is no longer an unusual situation. The best starting point is to accept that you may need to assist your parents at some stage and begin planning for it as part of your budget and emergency-fund provision.”

Botha says protecting and securing your financial future is not selfish. “The reality that her income may be supporting several people makes it even more important to protect,” says Botha.

“Together, this protection creates the financial foundation that helps a woman survive difficult personal circumstances while continuing to support the people who depend on her.”

A woman supporting parents should consider what would happen if she temporarily lost her income, says Jacobs. She says other considerations should be about what would happen if you became permanently disabled or died before them.

“If your parents rely on your income, your financial plan should consider how their essential needs would be met if you were no longer able to provide for them.

“A financial boundary does not have to sound like rejection. It could be you saying you can cover the medical aid, but you cannot also take on the vehicle payment. Or you can contribute this amount every month, but you cannot keep funding unplanned requests from your credit card,” says Botha.

“The message this Women’s Month is not that women should walk away from their families. It is that we need regulated, structured systems that allow for sustainable giving. A daughter who secures her own financial foundation can continue to play a pivotal role in her family, while showing the next generation that care and financial self-preservation can exist together.”

Botha and Jacobs share tips to help you navigate daughterhood penalty:

Put the real costs on paper: List parents’ recurring and once-off expenses, including medical, transport, household and administrative costs. Then separate essential needs from discretionary requests.

Agree on a contribution you can sustain: Decide what you can provide without repeatedly using credit, missing essential payments or abandoning your own savings goals.

Ring-fence the money: Keep parent-care funds and emergency savings separate from everyday spending so that one expense does not swallow every other priority.

Keep contributing towards your retirement: Even a modest, consistent contribution helps prevent today’s daughter from becoming tomorrow’s financially dependent parent.

Share the financial and administrative load: Agree on roles with siblings, relatives and the broader support network instead of waiting for the next crisis.

Put essential information in order: Keep a record of important policies, medical information, accounts and contacts, and ensure your own will is valid, current and accessible.

Sowetan