I want to get something off my chest, generally I am an anxious person. I have suffered from anxiety for longer than I have had the language to express what I am going through.
Fortunately, I have always had my progressive thinking grandmother, Madlamini, who was a medical healthcare professional with an impressive upward of 30 years worth of experience under her belt.
At 13 years old, I recall having a frank conversation with her about how fearful I had become that all my dreams would materialise into reality because that is what tended to happen at the time. She got me St John’s wort, a homeopathic remedy, to help with my mild symptoms of depression and anxiety. I have always been fortunate to have her.
The nature of my dreams, at the time I remember, was becoming progressively stranger by the day; some were particularly dark and unsettling. I was uncomfortable. I had even developed a debilitating fear of cows, because I had a recurring dream about being stomped by a giant bull and being ever so anxious and distressed when travelling to my maternal grandmother’s home because there were cows there.
I was increasingly, anxious, superstitious and paranoid because I would correlate ordinary occurrences in my daily life with the likelihood of having bad dreaming. I developed a strong dislike (bordering on pathological hatred) for a soft pink linen fitted sheet we had. I didn’t like it because I realised that it would slide off the bed at night from my tossing and turning, which I concluded would result in a bad dream. Bizarre, I know! I laugh about it now, not so much then.
Even now I still struggle with anxiety.
Yes, I am a sangoma with anxiety and medical aid, I said the jokes write themselves.
On a more serious note, there tend to be discourses with mocking undertones directed towards urban sangomas. Yes, we are anxious but it is also very possible and realistic for mental illness to coexist with ingulo yesintu (the calling).
The process of elimination is the best way to comfortably diagnose ingulo yesintu. By this I mean, if your calling manifests as depression, anxiety or even anything physiological – get Western medical help. Not because I trust and value Western diagnostic methods and physicians over African indigenous methods, but simply because we seek to treat unbearable symptoms – which Western medicine is excellent for.
Saying this reminds me of a thread I engaged with recently on Twitter, by a user I unfortunately can’t remember. It was about how healers and izangoma shouldn’t discourage people from seeking the help of Western doctors – especially when they display symptoms. Allowing and encouraging people to seek answers beyond ingulo yesintu, because it isn’t the only plausible explanation. It is also dangerous with costly implications to conclude about ingulo yesintu without having all facts. This feeds into the bigger narrative that people seek the help of izangoma as a last resort.
I am not promoting the foolishness of being on the brink of a desperation-induced existential crisis before seeking spiritual help. I am just saying that ingulo yesintu is something you must be certain about before committing yourself. It is too miserable and lonely a process to undergo if you are unsure.
When I say it is a miserable experience, I am not in any way alluding to any kind of abuse. Not all phehlo (ritual to connect with ancestors) experiences are underpinned by misery associated with abuse. It is the discombobulation surrendering your freedom and having to allow spirits to exist within you as the vessel. They can dictate your diet, how long you sleep, and even the relationships that you are able to keep.
They really become your board of directors. You also must totally and utterly submit to your shaman. Imagine being told what to do to the tee, and it is your obligation to follow through. Yho haa ahh. I want to scream until the end of time when I think about it.
At this point you are probably wondering what it is that I am advising you to do. Do you get Western help, or do you go the traditional route? It’s quite simple, why not both? Rely on both, until you can really pinpoint where the problem lies.
Western medicine will act as a band aid (plaster) by mediating the effects of illnesses that are underpinned by spiritual causes. A band aid is a temporary fix and, if applicable, other causes and avenues must be explored.
In my instance, I relied on herbal anxiety medicine, Rescue remedy, to mask the effects or even deal with anxiety. It worked, because it would deal with my palpitations and get me really relaxed but over time it wasn’t sustainable because I still had to contend with ingulo yam.
Once I got my anxiety under wraps, ingulo started manifesting in other ways, affecting varying spheres of my physical and mental health. I sought the help of doctors and psychiatrists, though I knew in the back of my mind that I was being called, that I had to be sure that I was dealing with ingulo yesintu.
My unsolicited advice would be to exhaust the resources that are available to you for diagnoses and treatment, especially when it comes to the calling. Don't be ashamed about it.
Seek the help of specialists, do the work until you are content. The last thing you want is to erroneously conclude on ingulo yesintu, trust me it is a headache that you don’t need. It is too costly, and traumatic.
In the wise words of Khanyi Mbau, take your B12 and magnesium… because sometimes you are anxious and you are not called. But sometimes it isn’t anxiety and you have to go into sangoma training.
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