I had an incredibly sobering conversation about boundaries with my friend and confidant, Thobile – recently.
Without realising it, I was talking about the lack of boundaries in relationships with friends, family and romantic partners.
I told her how some of these interactions left me feeling depleted, disrespected, heartbroken and inadequate – in some instances. In a gentle and concerned tone she told me that it appears I lack boundaries.
According to her, moving comfortably in social and relation spaces I need to establish and uphold my boundaries for the sake of my mental and emotional health. The most affirming thing she said to me was: “I know you love people and extending a helping hand. There is nothing wrong with that but you must keep some resources for yourself, so that you don’t resent people for not showing up to the fullest extent all the time”.
This conversation moved me so much that over the next few days I observed people very carefully, particularly in the sphere of boundaries. It is then that I had an interaction with a colleagueabout a conversation she and her husband were engaged in.
She had firmly told him that she was not comfortable with whatever they were talking about because it felt like a direct transgression of her established boundaries. What stood out for me was that she was intentional about maintaining her boundaries – I thought ahhh! I also aspire for that level of maintaining boundaries in my journey of boundary(ing).
Naturally, I I am interested in the relevance of boundaries in the calling of being iSangoma.
When one accepts the calling there are parts of themselves they need to disengage to make way for iDlozi. Consequently, some stringent rules with dietary and mobility implications are set in place to make way for the growth and development of their relationship with iDlozi.
The gobela (mentor) will lay out these parameters during initiation, with the understanding that post-graduation the initiate will integrate the teachings into their lifestyle. It is then the responsibility of the newly initiated sangoma to re-evaluate their existing personal boundaries and synthesise them with the newly established boundaries according to the demands of their iDlozi.
The boundaries and parameters set out for iZangoma are for the upliftment ofrespectability and dignity associated with the profession, among other things. The idea of upholding respect forces us to have strict boundaries because we are tasked with being the custodians of intuition-based and indigenous knowledge systems which inform practices, some of which remain sacred. We therefore must be careful how we use the knowledge to heal and teach, this is a responsibility I often feel I never signed up for.
Post-initiation, where necessary one must create overt boundaries when it comes to terms of engagement. For example, I do not mind people calling me Zipho in my work and social environment – it is my name after all. It is when one seeks overt spiritual advice that I am pedantic about being called Gogo/Mhlekazi/Mkhulu/Makhosi.
I do this because – one is not relying on my help as Zipho, but on the wisdom of my ancestors for guidance – the least one can do is to say Thokoza/Camagu Gogo. This is an acknowledgment to my ancestors and trust me all ancestors love being acknowledged.
I will now inevitably give unsolicited advice on some of the key boundaries to consider when entering your practice as a newly initiated healer. Draw boundaries related to your comfortability in terms of providing free spiritual services often disguised as the pursuit of general advice. People will ask you what their dreams mean all the time, for example, along with many signs and symbols in their lives.
Part of upholding the dignity of your practice is realising for example that you are using spiritual resources to aid people – your dlozi requires the action of ukukhanyisa for this. The expectation from your dlozi as you use their knowledge to heal people, is that you will give back to them. Imagine their surprise when you as iSangoma are helping people but awukhanyisi. It’s a punishable offence as you will have your dlozi to deal with.
I am not saying don’t help people by way of advice – but assess the patterns at which you help. Lest you are giving away hidden knowledges haphazardly. Establish boundaries around your helping behaviour and remember: do not use people’s desperation for help to take advantage of them.
iDlozi will punish you!
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